Fat Girl Slim

Gravy (My Life Monday)

2012-01-30T11:44:00.001-05:00

Bet you thought this post was going to be about food. Maybe biscuits and gravy, or something kind of like?
Sorry.
This is Gravy.

Gravy is sad.
He has a hurt paw.
His back left paw is sore and swollen.
Gravy is walking kind of skijawed. (That's a word, no?)
Gravy will be going to the vet later today.
He doesn't know this yet.
Poor Gravy.

My Life Monday - Foot Scan

2012-01-23T10:11:00.000-05:00

So when I went in to my friendly neighborhood Curves this morning I noticed something a bit different going on. A local chiropractor was offering free health screenings on balance and posture. Well, this should be interesting, I thought.
I am quite possibly the least balanced person I know. I can fall dead-down to the floor while standing perfectly still. Not to mention the damage I can do to myself when I'm just walking along.
I filled out the little questionnaire. Back pain? Check. Neck pain? Check. Headaches? Occasional Check. Trouble sleeping? Check. Foot pain? Double Check! I figured the lady was going to take one look at my health history and politely point me in another direction. Or maybe that was dollar signs I saw in her eyes. She was probably calculating just how many of her children she would be able to send to Harvard based on my office visits alone.
She had a fascinating little machine that looked like something from the holo-deck of the S.S.Enterprise. I stepped on it and through a little window it literally scans your feet and the pressure you exert as you stand. I felt like a can of peas at the grocery store.

Just a sample. Not my actual scan. My left showed a lot more red and my right only had pressure in the heal and on the ball. Weired, huh?

It was, however, pretty dang interesting. I learned that I place a lot of pressure on my left foot. Not surprising since I've broken the right one like a hundred times. (Really only 4 - but oh, my god, have you ever broken your foot? OUCH!) As a consequence my spine and therefore balance are severely out of alignment. Add in my not-at-all-attractive ginormous boobs and you can see how the back and neck pain can come into play.
So I will be going to the chiropractor on Wednesday. I'm not sure at all how I feel about having someone crack on my spine, but I am very interested in the custom orthotic inserts for my shoes that could help correct the balance problem. We'll see what the good doctor says before I actually agree to a treatment plan. But I will definitely let you guys know.
Now I'm tired and I'm going to put my feet up.

My Life Monday - Accountability

2012-01-16T16:43:00.000-05:00

I know, like everyone else in the world, that when you're trying to lose weight it is super duper important to track your food and exercise. You've got to keep a food diary and you've got to write down everything.
Every. Freakin'. Bite.
There will come a time when you think you've got it licked and you don't need to write it all down anymore. You will be wrong.
If food is your problem - and god knows it is mine - you have to take away food's power. Yes, I know I sound like Dr. Phil, but it's true and it's taken me a long time to get here so listen. You gave food all the power to make you happy or make you feel better or occupy you while you watch TV. Now you are going to give food the power to fuel your body and make yourself healthy.
I am not saying that you can't enjoy your food - far from it. Because, listen, I really really really like my food. I like to cook it, I like to read about it and write about it, and heaven knows I like to eat it. And I don't see that changing anytime soon. To think otherwise would be ridiculous and unrealistic.
However, by writing everything down I am held accountable. Not so much for what I am eating but why I am eating it.
"Oooohhhh, cookies!"
"Do I really want to eat that cookie?"
"I'm going to have to write it down if I do."
"Do I really want to look at that on my report?"
"Hmmm? Maybe I'll just wait and see if I still want that cookie in an hour."
Sometimes I do, and if it isn't going to wreck my calories for the day then I go ahead and eat the cookie. And write it down. And move on.
And sometimes I don't even want the cookie. I know. . . Mind Blown!
I've tried Weight Watchers. Didn't care for it. Too much math and pressure and math. And I've tried keeping a notebook with me and writing everything down manually. And I've tried pre-printed calorie counting journals. None of it worked .
Then The Captain got me the Kindle Fire for Christmas and I downloaded the myfitnesspal app. I am in love. This thing is so easy.

Seriously go to my fitness pal and set up your free account. It could not be easier!

I input all my food for the day (this thing has, like, all the foods and their nutritional info) and all my exercising and it calculates everything for me and gives me my own customized little daily report. And you can get weekly and monthly reports for everything including food, exercise, and progress.
And my very most favorite thing of all is that after you have added all your info for the day you get a little graphic that says : If every day were like today you would weight X pounds in 5 weeks. Talk about a real motivator. Incredible!

My Life Monday

2012-01-09T10:17:00.001-05:00

As many of you may (or may not) know along with writing here at Fat Girl Slim, I also write at Bit of the Bluegrass. Also I have recently returned to working on a novel I started years ago. Recently things have gotten a little hectic, shall we say?, here in our little house on the hill and I haven't been able to give as much attention to my writing as I would like to.
In November I had a bit of a health issue (nothing serious, just a little something to throw a wrench in all my plans). Right before that our refrigerator died resulting in countless visits from the repairman and hundreds of dollars into his kids' college funds all culminating in the eventual purchase of a brand new fridge. (I hate you, Kenmore!) Then there was the 14 hour road trip to Wisconsin for Thanksgiving (without The Captain). And the holidays tried to kill me. Seriously. And of course both the kids have school and practice and games and guitar lessons and gymnastics and on and on and on. . . Always keeping in mind that The Captain has his own home and away schedule that rolls around every 28 days.
All of this has added up to one very stressed out mama. (see health issue above).
But all of that is finally in the rear-view mirror. Excepting, of course, the kids and The Captains schedules. It's a New Year and I am trying out a few new get-my-ass-back-on-track tips and tricks.
There were two main areas of my life that I really wanted to try and tackle. My house and my body.
Sooooo. . .
Part One.
My house. (cue the ominous music - DUN DUN DUN)
As anyone who know me will attest, I am not a good housekeeper. It's OK, I know. I can keep things clean in the sense that the health department is not going to come and shut us down but the clutter is where I get completely shut out. I wash the clothes and get distracted forgetting to fold them. The kids leave papers all over the house and it never occurs to me to pick them up. There are shoes all over the front hall. Books get left wherever it was they were last read. And the magazines! My god, the magazines. I will confess to having a serious magazine addiction. So much so that The Captain thought it a good idea to get me a Kindle Fire for Christmas in the hopes that I could subscribe to at least a few of them digitally. Love him!
We have had various cleaning ladies who have left for a variety of reasons. No, they didn't quit because my house was so unmanageable. I don't think. And when they were here all was nirvana. I had one particularly wonderful cleaning lady who I will call Angel, because that's how I thought of her, who washed down all the blades on all my ceiling fans! Did you know you were supposed to wash those things? Hmmm?
However, I have been without a cleaning lady for the better part of a year and the state of my house has definitely reflected this. I have thought about interviewing for another, and I still may, but I really do need to do better on my own. To that end, I took a long hard look at myself. Man that hurt. I discovered that my true problem with cleaning was due to two main factors.
Number one - I never learned to clean. No, it's true. My mother is more than slightly OCD about housekeeping. Added to that my dad and my grandmother always employed housekeepers, so that having someone else pick up after me was just what seemed natural. Even after I was married with a house of my own and there was no one there to do it.
Number two - I am easily distracted. Seriously. Like a squirrel on crack. It's why I can wash the clothes but never fold them or pick up the shoes but forget the magazines. It's also why I can go help a friend with her deep cleaning project but be completely stymied by my own.
I know that I do better with everything when I have a concrete schedule to stick to. So that's what I did. Made myself a little schedule. It seems to be working after the first week. I plan on keeping with the cleaning schedule for the rest of this week and sharing with y'all the results this time next week.
That takes us to Part Two.
My body. (the music that accompanies this is more like sad little violin music)
I have been overweight my entire adult life and I am sick of it. Sick. Of. It! A few years ago I got serious and lost 40 pounds. That's when I started Fat Girl Slim. At that time I never would have dreamed that I would still be struggling this far into the future.
Another hard look at myself resulted int the discovery that I had just, flat out, gotten lazy. Yes, I had managed to keep off the first 40 pounds but I hadn't gone any further. I had gotten complacent with my workouts and worse, my eating was atrocious.
So I'm back in the gym. And I'm adding more cardio because I know that, even though I desperately HATE it, my body does so much better when I get a lot of cardio. I'm shooting for gym time 4x/week and cardio for at least 30 minutes for 6x/week. It's actually easier time-wise that I would have thought. I go to the gym right after I drop the kids at school and add the extra cardio right after that so that I am usually done with all of it by 9:30 am.
I did this all last week and did really good. I feel sooooo much better to get back into a workout routine. My back and knees feel better. I am sleeping better at night. And I just generally have more energy on days that I workout that on days that I don't.
This week I'll be working on continuing this while focusing more on my eating. The plan is to limit carbs to whole grain only, adding more water, and breaking things down to 5-6 small meals a day rather than 3 (really) big ones. Next week I'm going to focus on adding more protein. I'll let you know how it goes.
So there you have. More than you probably wanted to know about where I am right now. But guess what? I don't care because this is my blog and I can write what I wanna. And if I'm still alive next week, I'm going to share even more. So there!

Stress! Who Knew?

2011-11-08T19:13:00.001-05:00

I have been seriously stressed for the past few weeks. More than just the normal day to day crap. Completely and totally frazzled to a crisp stressed out of my mind. That's not really like me at all.
For real. If I were any more laid back I'd probably be comatose. It's why I could never really smoke pot. I'm already mellow, man.
Except for about the past week.
It all stems from the fact that we are going to be having Thanksgiving in the Northwoods of Wisconsin this year. About 900 miles from my Eastern Kentucky home.
14 long hours in the car.
With my kids.
Alone.
Are you feeling me now? I've never driven that far before. Helped to drive, ridden co-pilot plenty of times. But never solo.
Then add in the fact that my brother was supposed to ride with me to help drive, but he couldn't get off work. So I decided to follow my grandparents up. Make a 2 day trip out of it, which I must say sounded pretty dang good. No Boyd says he can get off work. Maybe. Or at least work from home those couple of days in question. But I've already committed to my grandparents and if he still wants to ride with me he's going to have to come here instead of me picking him up in Louisville along the way. What to do? What to do?
All of this self-inflicted stress has caused the pounds to creep up this week. Like in an almost supernatural way. Like 4 pounds a week. Crazy.
Sooooo. . .
I just let it all go. Really. Just. Let. It. Go.
I wasn't getting anything accomplished by worrying over it. I decided to go w/ my grandparents and if Boyd wants to ride along he's more than welcome. But he's going to have to come here.
I recommitted to my exercise and eating plan and added in a little extra cardio for good measure.
And guess what? It worked. The scale is going back down. Not quite back to where I was a few months ago, but still its headed south.
And that's a start.
Coooool.

Here I Go Again (On My Own)

2011-11-01T09:44:00.003-04:00

Goin' down the only road I've ever known. . .
OK, enough of that. You can thank me later today when that song is still stuck in your head. You are welcome.
My point, though, is this. A weight loss journey is never over.
Really.
Never over.
Never.

I so don't want to here that!

When I first started this thing back in 2008 (jeez!) I assumed that I would just work really hard for a relatively little time and when I reached my goal weight I could go back to a normal life. HA! How naive was I?
It took a little while for me to realize that that scenario was, quite simply, not going to happen. It wasn't so much a sudden blow as a slow sinking realization. It ever so gradually came upon me that I was never not going to have to worry about my weight. Talk about soul crushing.
My goals used to be to be able to eat anything I wanted to, to be a certain weight or a certain size. I thought I would be happier if I could shop in certain stores.
I still want to reach goals. But now I'm focused more on the size rather than the number on the scale. And I've created a few new goals for myself. I want to run a 5K (preferably without dying). I want to be able to do the standing spilt in yoga class. And I want to figure out why I feel the need to eat when I'm stressed. I also want to get things in my house a bit more organized, thereby cutting down some of that stress.
And I've made up my mind
I ain't wastin' no more time
Here I go again. . .

Fat-lapse

2011-10-20T08:21:00.000-04:00

It's kind of like a relapse but, you know, with fat. Lovely, no?
When last we spoke I had dipped into that mythical place known as Onederland. The land where every woman who weighs over 200 pounds strives for a one-way ticket. Yeah, that didn't last so long.
It WAS sweet while it lasted, though.

photo from technorati.com

But now, I'm back up in reality land. The land where I weigh *ahem* more than 200 pounds.
OK. OK. I weigh 208 lbs. Jaaaysus! That hurt to admit. And I ain't even gonna lie. I AM PISSED!
I am pissed at myself for working so friggen hard to lose the weight and then looking the other way while it not-so-slowly crept back on. I dropped my guard for what seemed like an instant and - WHAMMO!
It may seem like only eight pounds but I cannot express the psychological toll it has taken to go from someone who was actively and visibly losing weight back to someone who has gained weight. Ugh!
That just goes to show you that you cannot ever go back to your lifestyle pre-weight loss. I cannot eat doughnuts for breakfast followed by burgers for lunch followed by mac-n-cheese for supper. I can no longer blow off workouts or half-ass my cardio.
This isn't the first time I've fallen off the wagon and I'm sure it won't be the last. At least I know that this time I have the tools to go forward. I'm not going in blind. I can do this because I have done this.

ONEDERLAND!!!!!!

2011-06-06T17:07:00.002-04:00

I did it! Finally! Whoohoo!
I actually broke through to under 200 two weeks ago, but I knew I had vacation coming up so I didn't want to get too excited.
But you know what? I worked my butt off (literally) and then I enjoyed my much needed vacation and guess what? When I got home that number on the scale still had a 1 at the beginning instead of a 2.
For the first time in almost 12 years. I can officially say that I am one hundred something pounds - granted it's still a whole lot of something, but still it's better than two hundred something pounds. Just sayin'.
So. . .Yay, me! I worked really hard and the benefits are starting to show themselves. I know I still have a long ways to go, but seeing that 1 on the scale makes it much easier. I'm on my way!

Shapewear

2011-03-21T10:19:00.000-04:00

The Today Show had a segment this morning featuring shapewear and how one can use it to look like one has lost up to ten pounds. They, of course, trotted out some relatively small women to show how shapewear works for every body type yada, yada, yada. They shared this info with us poor uninformed unsupported citizens like they had cracked the code on the cure for cancer.
Pu-leaze! I grew up in the south; with a baptist grandmother, no less. I know from Lycra. Remember that scene from Steel Magnolia's? (You know you do) The one where Truvy (Dolly Parton) and Clairee (Olympia Dukakis) are discussing poor unsuspecting Janice Van Meter and her unfortunate choice of clothing.

Truvy: Clairee, you know I'd as soon walk on my lips as to criticize; but Janice Van Meter. . .
Clairee: I know. Looks like two pigs fightin' under a blanket!
I bet you she's paid $500 for that dress and hasn't bothered to put on a girdle.
Truvy: I haven't left the house without Lycra on these thighs since I was 14.
Clairee: Honey, you were raised right.
Speaking of Lycra, just how exactly did Dolly keep those famous boobs of hers from taking over the movie? Just sayin'.
I think of those two pigs fighting under a blanket every time I get dressed in more than my gym clothes. I love, love, love me some Spanx! And they are so comfortable you can wear them under anything. They are definitely not your grandmother's girdle.
Plus there are so many different varieties out there that there truly is something for everyone. Shapewear isn't just about making you look thinner. It's about smoothing out those bumps and lumps that everyone has to make your clothes lay better. Think about that poor little Glee girl at the SAG awards. Nobody wants to see the outline of your belly button in a satin evening gown. Obviously most of us aren't going to be wearing evening gowns, satin or otherwise, but the same rules apply to belly buttons, muffin tops, love handles, and the like.
So please, people, go get thyselves some shapewear. It doesn't matter what size you are, no one wants to see your back fat.

Tae-Bo Newbie

2011-03-10T10:32:00.000-05:00

See how happy everybody is to be doing Tae-Bo?
I don't look like that.

Anybody out there done Tae-Bo recently? Did you survive? Barely?
Yeah, I understand.
I went into my Curve's gym this morning expecting an unassuming yet thorough workout. Boy was I wrong. Evidently since we are involved in a club-wide Biggest Loser challenge our owner/trainer thought it was a good idea to do a little . . . extra.
I'll say!
Now, I will be the first to admit that I have been in serious need of a little kick in the pants. My exercise has been OK, and my eating has been horrible. So perhaps I had this coming.
But, Oh. My. God. Hardest workout ever. It seriously kicked my ass.
I just got home and I'm in serious need of a shower. I'm dreading it though because I know I'm going to have to lift my arms over my head to peel my sweaty shirt off.
We shall see how this goes. If I don't drop dead, I'll let you know how it goes.

2011-03-07T11:21:00.000-05:00

Here's a survey that's been making the blog rounds. While I normally don't do these types of things (I totally look at other people's, though) I thought it might be a good idea to let people know just exactly why I am so weird. So here goes. . .

Age: 31

Bed size: Queen

Chore you hate: folding the laundry :(

Dogs: 2 Blitz, German Shorthaired Pointer and Tater, Basset Hound

Essential start of your day: Yogi tea and a workout

Fave color: Depends.

Gold or silver: Silver

Height: 5'5"

Instruments I play: Does the radio count. . .?

Job title: Mom, Wife, Rockstar (OK, so that one's just in my head, but still)

Kids: 2 Peanut, 11 and Bubbo, 7

Live: Eastern Kentucky

Mom’s name: Tyannia (pronounced Tonya - don't ask)

Nicknames: my name is Keila - figure it out. Taquilla, Killer, and a few others that I do my best not to say :)

Overnight hospital stays: just when I had my babies

Pet peeve: people who say "in other words", question talkers, call waiting

Quote from a movie: I usually have one for any situation, but I've found that one is usually pretty good for most situations. "My advice to you is to start drinking heavily."

Right or left handed: Right

Siblings: 1 brother

Time you wake up: 6:45 on school days, usually before 8:00 otherwise

Underwear: yes, please

Veg you dislike: cucumbers

What makes you run late: kids!

X-rays you have had done: Teeth, Chest, Ankle, Foot, Foot, Foot

Yummy food you make: Biscuits!

Zoo Animal, favorite: Tigers

So, some of these are pretty far fetched. Underwear? Seriously? Maybe I'll just have to make my own ABC's. We'll see.

Why I Eat

2011-03-03T18:55:00.000-05:00

So it seems that I may finally be back on track with my workouts which is a good thing. Bad news? My eating is still not so good. I admit this.
It has been suggested to me that I should probably look into the reasons WHY I eat. So I have. I have looked and looked and looked. Turns out that I eat because . . . wait for it . . . I like it. I like the way it tastes and smells and I like cooking it and reading about it. In short, food is awesome. Groundbreaking, I know.
See, they say; and by they I mean the endless diet and nutrition experts who go on ad nauseum about this kind of thing; that one whould never eat for reasons other than hunger and nutrition. Ummmm, yeah, about that. . .
I'm going rogue!
Saying that I will only ever eat when I'm hungry is like saying that I'm only ever going to have sex for procreation. For the record I don't think I've ever had sex for the express purpose of procreation. And I have two kids. Just sayin'.
It's not realistic, OK. What is the point of having a long healthful life if I can take no joy out of it?
Yes, I know I need to make better eating choices. Understood. My problem is in finding the balance.
Of course I still want the chocolate cake. Who doesn't? But I guess I just need to fit more brocoli into my diet in order to make the chocolate cakes of the world not so tragic. Outrageous concept, right?
Now the trick is learning to like eating more brocoli.

Is She or Isn't She?

2011-02-23T08:54:00.000-05:00

It happened to me the other day.
At the grocery store.
By two dudes, no less.
The question, whispered betwixt them, was, "Is she pregnant?"
GASP!
The answer, of course, is "Ummm. . .NO!"
Not for a while now. Sure, I'm still carrying around some (a lot) of baby weight.
OK, maybe that's not such a valid excuse anymore, since my "baby" is busy planning his eighth birthday party. Star Wars, in case you were wondering, which he assures me is going ot be "wicked good!" But still, did they really have to go there?
Those two ass-hats totally ruined my day. My week. My life.
And do you want to know the worst part? I let them.
I let those douchbags (who btw, were two dudes in cowboy boots buying diet Coke and Lean Cuisine - just sayin') effect how I thought about myself.
What the hell kind of brain fart was that?
OK, so Brokeback thought I was pregnant. So what? Am I? No. Do I look like it? Possibly.
Yes, I'm fat. I get it. I'm OK with that because I'm working on it. I'm not just setting around on my non-pregnant ass.
And the next time I see those guys around town hopefully they will realize just how awesome I am. They better recognize. And failing that; I've been working out and I don't care to hit a dude.

Pop It To Me!

2011-02-16T17:47:00.000-05:00

To all the 2nd grade parents at my son's school;
This letter is directed to the parent or parents (you know who you are) who brought Pepsi to the Valentine's Day Party on Monday. This was not appreciated.
In fact it sucked!
I could go on and on about how bad caffeine is for kids, but I suspect you already know all this, and clearly don't care. I will not comment on your cracker jack parenting. I doubt it would make a difference.
However, all health considerations of caffeine aside, 7 & 8 year olds should not have Pepsi or other caffeinated beverages for one very important reason.
It makes them wonky!
I mean seriously crazy! My kid was still bouncing off the walls at 9:00pm. I'm sure your little darling was not so effected, being so used to caffeine as he/she is.
So, just so we're clear, you SUCK!
Thank you,
Popped Off Mom

All Bitches Are Not Alike or lessons we can learn from the dog show

2011-02-12T11:00:00.000-05:00

It's red carpet season and while I'm not huge fan of awards shows I LOVE love love Fashion Police on E! with Joan Rivers, Kelley Osbourne, and the other two that no one really cares about. Yes, I love the snarky things they say and how Joan has an awesome habit of saying just exactly what it is that I am thinking. But what I most love is that Fashion Police never picks on women for their size. They celebrate the fact that every woman is different.
Yes, they say that so and so should have pulled on a pair of Spanx under that tight satin dress, but Spanx aren't exclusive to the big girls. And they often comment how certain dresses, while beautiful, do not complement an actresses body type. They recognize that Christina Hendricks cannot wear the same dress that Jane Lynch can wear. And Jane Lynch can't wear a dress that Sandra Bullock can wear. And so on. The judges on Fashion Police judge actresses and their respective fashions can't be judged against each other but only against their selves.
Seems like I've heard this theory before.
Oh yeah. At the dog show. Being a dog loving family, we always watch the Westminster Kennel Club dog show when it's on. And someone will always say something like, "Yeah, but that Lab is way cuter than the terrier!"
Perhaps, but that's not the way it works. A terrier cannot be a Lab. And that is just the way it is. There is an ancient Chinese proverb (isn't there always?) that says that one cannot fault a pig for not having the neck of a giraffe.
Are you getting it? I can't have the body of the girl that works out at the gym with me and she cannot have the body of the girl at the coffee shop. And while my body will never look like Cameron Diaz's no matter how hard I work at it, I can work to make it a better version of my own body.
Who knew Joan Rivers and a bunch of bitches had so much wisdom?

Super Bowl Slut

2011-02-07T13:29:00.000-05:00

Here it is. My walk of shame.
Again.
But I will admit it. I am a slut for football. I just generally love the game. I love the chill in the air of an outside game (I don't know who decided that football should be played inside a dome, but they were wrong). I love the crash of helmuts and the sound of the chains being dragged up and down the sidelines (still not a fan of the CGI line). And then, of course, there are the football pants. I am a firm believer that everyone's backside is imroved by football pants.
And, naturally, there is football food.
I do love me some football food. Super Bowl Sunday in our house is always a very big deal. We try to base our menu around whatever team it is we are cheering for. Admitedly, though, when one is trying to lose weight football food may not be the best way to go. Last year wasn't so bad. We were for the Saint's (who wasn't?) so we put out some jambalaya and it was awesome.
This year though I was doubly damned. See my beloved Green Bay Packers were competing in the biggest game of the season. Now before you even start, I am NOT one of those fair weather fans who jump on the bandwagon during good seasons and off during the bad. I have loves the Packers pre-Favre and post. By the way, Favre who? Aaron Rodgers owns that team!
And, yes, I suppose the Steelers don't technically suck. And Troy Polamalu's hair does seem to have magical powers - kind of like a unicorn. But that doesn't mean that when my Packers are involved, I wouldn't stick a big ol' wad of chewing gum in it.

However, back to the issue at hand. In the spirit of total Packer celebration I served brats and cheese and beer. It. Was. Awesome!
Today, though. . .not so much. I haven't eaten like that in a while. I have been eating more fresh foods and cutting out the processed junk. I have been trying to cut out pop and haven't had a beer in - I don't even know how long. Probably the last time I was in Wisconsin. So needless to say, today I feel a little bit sluggish.
Slow.
Bloated.
Gross.
How did I ever eat like that all the time? Oh yeah, I felt like crap all the time. Hmmmm . . .
I had been looking for a little jolt for a while now. Something that would help inspire me and keep me on track. Turns out going completely off track for a weekend was the only way to get back on. Getting a glimpse of how I used to feel all the time has helped me focus in on why I am doing this in the first place.
So today I woke up as a devoted fan of Super Bowl Champions, Green Bay Packers. And yes, I woke up bloted and craptacular, but I woke up with a renewed focus and drive to do this thing.

Supertasters, Unite!

2011-01-25T10:38:00.000-05:00

Today on Rachael Ray (aka: the show I like to watch as I decompress from the gym) Rachael and some cute Doctor Guy were talking about supertasters.
In case you've never heard of it, supertasters are allegedly people who have more tastebuds thereby making htem more sensitive to, well . . .taste. Salt is saltier. Savory is savory-er. And heaven of heavens, sweets are sweeter. The caveat: it seems that what is especially effected is bitter flavors. Just what you always wanted. More bitterness in your life.
Strangly enough, there seems to be some evolutionary benefit to supertasters. Historically. Supertasters would have been more able to taste the bitterness of poisoness plants more easily. However, in todays society this seems to be of little importance and being a supertaster may actually be harmfull.
See, because of all the bitterness, supertasters tend to avoid good for you foods. Broccoli, kale, cabbage,spinach, brussles sprouts, olives, coffee, grapefruit juice, and green tea are ammong the foods most commonly avoided by supertasters. This leads to the reason why supertasters are five times more likely to be overweight and much more likely to develop diabetes or cancer.
This is not to say that just because you don't like one of these foods that you are a supertaster. Likewise, supertasters can also train themselves to like certain foods. I myself am a supertaster and I happen to love love love spinach. But it wasn't always that way. I also came to like broccolli later in my life and I am slowly learning to like kale. Probably mever going to like brussles sprouts, though.
So now I'm a fat supertaster, I not only have to train my body but I also have to train my tastebuds. Perfect.

What's Better Than a Potato Chip?

2011-01-21T20:47:00.000-05:00

OK. Admittedly, not that much, but I have found something that gives good ol' chips a run for their money. Ever heard of Kale Chips? Yeah, me neither. Until a couple of months ago when they started to be EVERYWHERE. Seriously.
So when I was at the grocery store the other day I noticed that Kale was only 72 cents a pound. I have no idea whether or not this is a reasonable price for kale as I have never purchased it before. But I figured that for less than a couple of bucks I could give it a try. Boy, am I glad I did.
When roasted they taste remarkably like potato chips. Seriously! And if you don't believe me, just ask my kids. They each had a big ol' dish while watching Despicable Me then were bummed when they found out all the Kale Chips were gone.
"Mooooooooom! Why didn't you buy more kale? Jeesh!"

1 bunch kale
olive oil
kosher salt

Wash and remove stems from kale. Tear into bite-size pieces. Drizzle lightly with olive oil and place on cookie sheet. Sprinkle gently with kosher salt. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 to 30 minutes, turning every 10 minutes. Allow to cool. Enjoy.

Hoop Fever . . . It's Catching!

2011-01-20T11:52:00.000-05:00

I have been waxing enthusiastic about hula hooping for fitness for almost a year now. Admittedly I can sound like a bit of a crack dealer at times. "Come on just try it, you'll like it! You won't believe how amazing you'll feel!" But here's the thing. . . I'm not the only one.
From the amazing health and fitness blogger, MizFit Online (I just love her kick ass style of fitness!)

Hula Hooping For Fitness - guest post by certifies Hoop Instructor, Jo Mondy

Fat Bottomed Girls

2011-01-18T10:13:00.000-05:00

Not a whole lot to report on the weight loss (or lack thereof) this week. But talk about inspiration! This years Golden Globes Red Carpet was, quite simply, stunning. Thank Bob that dressing like a lady is back in style. So here's to the women who showed us that their womanly bodies are more than just overly decorated clothes hangers.

Continuing my girl-crush on Christina Hendricks. I wanna look like her when I grow up!

Glee's Amber Riley killed it! She shows that it's not so much about size as it is about proportion. Amazing!

Kelly Osbourne looking lady-like with a rocker edge. Very cool!

I'm not necessarily in love with the dress, but I do love that Miss Aguilera is embracing her curves.

What about you? What did you love/hate about the red carpet?

Yoga Bear

2011-01-14T11:58:00.000-05:00

I just got back from my first ever official yoga class. It was really really hard. Surprisingly hard. But kind of a good hard, you know? I don't know if yoga is technically for fatties, and considering as how I was definitely the biggest person in the room, I don't know if I'll ever be any good at it.
My yoga instructor is seriously cute. She has one of those perfect bodies that yoga pants are made for. And she does moves that I've only ever done on accident. Right foot red? What? When did this turn into a sadistic game of Twister? I hate her.
No, not really. She's actually a very sweet and nice person and it would be impossible not to like her. Well, except maybe when she says to hold that pose just a little bit longer.
But I'm doing it. Maybe I can't lift my leg as high as some of the other ladies or hold it steady for quite as long, but it's a start. And I like the way I feel afterwards. It is a surprisingly thorough workout. I was amazed at how much I actually sweated. I thought yoga was all about the stretching and the breathing and the whatnot. And it is, but it's also about flexibility and muscle control. My shoulders, hamstrings, and lower back are especially appreciative of this.
I guess I'll be practicing on my own this weekend. I don't want to be the doof who falls flat on her face during Downward Facing Dog. Besides, anything that will make my booty look like the instructor's I am all for.

Happy Hooping!

2011-01-12T11:34:00.000-05:00

With my post yesterday, it occurred to me that I may have left some in the dark with my vague description of working out with a weighted hula hoop. I didn't want to leave anybody with the horrible mental picture of myself flinging myself around inside my hoop like some rabid five year old on a pixie stick high. I mean, I don't even like pixie sticks.
I could upload a video of some of my favorite hula hoop moves. . .But come on! Did you really expect that to happen? Telling you that I hula hoop in the relative safety of my living room and showing you videographic evidence of such. I thought I would leave that to the pros.

Fat Tuesday

2011-01-11T11:02:00.000-05:00

It seems that in the spirit of my Biggest Loser themed weight loss re-boot, I have chosen Tuesdays to be my weigh-in/evaluation day. After week 1 I have a lot to report.

Since I believe in sharing bad news first I will willingly disclose that I have not lost any weight. Nope. Not one ounce. Why am I not suicidal, you ask? Well, for one, I didn't gain anything either. And after the sugar fest that was my Holiday Season no gain is a good thing. I can live with no weight loss for now because even though the scale is not going down, I am moving forward.
I have added a few new tools to my repertoire. If you've read for any amount of time you know that I'm all about my Curve's workout. I love the circuit training and the aerobic/strength training intervals. Plus, as evidenced by the p

icture over there, I'm a freak for my hula hoop. 5 pound hula hoop to be exact. I've done all kinds of exercises over the years and nothing, NOTHING!, has strengthened my core like the weighted hula hoop.
But even with all those amazing workout options I was stuck in a bit of a rut. What to do, what to do? Watching the season premier of Biggest Loser last week gave me my first inspiration. Kettle Bells! I liked the fact that they come in all different weights; and while I've used a variety of free weights for a while now, I like that they offer a bit more of a challenge. My kettle bell from Danskin came with a DVD (which is OK) and a sheet with a set of 6 moves (which I love) It also helped that this months issue of Shape magazine featured Jillian Michaels herself's favorite kettle bell moves. I really really like the k

ettle bell for my arms. The triceps have never looked better.
Next I added in yoga. I had done a bit of informal yoga off and on for years but nothing major. I wasn't what you'd call "into it". Consider me converted. My gym has added a twice a week yoga class and so far I'm loving it! Turns out I'm not as flexable as I thought I was, but I can already tell a difference. My back and my hamstrings have already loosened up and my downward facing dog is starting to look more like a utilitarian hunting do and less like a lumbering mastiff. I'm shooting for greyhound, but that may take a while.
So now I had taken care of the mind and the body, but my eating still wasn't quite what it needed to be. And you all know how I feel about diets. . . I just needed something to get me back on track and help to remind me to make better choices. It has never really been what I eat so much as it has been how I ate it. I tend to go off track on sweets and portion control. I needed something that would let me include all my favorites (including sweets) as long as I kept track and stayed within reason. I had done Weig

ht Watchers before and had some success - in fact I have kept off every pound I lost the first time I did Weight Watchers - so I thought, why not? I signed up for 3 months of Weight Watchers Online. I just started on Sunday and so far I have found it really easy to keep track of what I'm eating and where I'm having a bit of trouble. Hopefully I will have an even better report for you next week.
They are calling for snow for the rest of the week though, so I make now promises. I still manage to get in a decent workout between my WiiFit, Wii boxing, kettle bell, and at-home yoga. But no school means no gym time for Momma. I think that I really do better with the structured schedule of a gym. What about you? Are you disciplined enough to get a full workout at home or do yo need the external structure of the gym? What is your favorite at-home workout when you're stuck at home?

The Bitch is Back

2011-01-04T13:27:00.000-05:00

It certainly has been a long time. Have you missed me? Of course you have. Who wouldn't miss this wit and sparkling charm? Turns out the break from journal keeping (aka blogging about my weight loss - or lack thereof as the case may be) has left my waist line a little. . . shall we say unmotivated.
Then along comes New Years. That ubiquitous fresh start. The undeniably futile resolution making. I myself have resisted New Years Resolutions in the past just for the simple fact that I don't like the feeling of self disappointment that inevitably follows. But seeing as that has worked out so well for me in the past (NOT) I thought, "What the hell!"
Now, just to be clear we are not calling anything a "Resolution". That would imply that I have some sort of resolve which to me sounds like you've had to drag yourself to doing something. I'm thinking more like a New Year's Reboot.
Yes, when I first started this journey I lost almost 40 pounds relatively easily. Yay, me! But somewhere along the way I hit a plateau and never seemed to get off. I had previously made a goal to lose another 50 pounds. Half of which I have already lost (included in the aforementioned 40 pounds) Again, yay me! So that leaves 25 more to go.
And since I have already turned the Resolution on it's ear I thought, 'Why not make it an even 30?'
I am going to Reboot my eating and exercise plans to lose 30 pounds. I am using, like about a zillion other people, NBC's Biggest Loser as a motivation and time frame. Every season I am inspired by the people who lose massive amounts of weight with what amounts to no more than diet and exercise. Yes, they lose like 10 - 20 pounds a week. An unreasonable amount for us mere mortals. They have the benefit of living on a world class fitness ranch with unbelievable trainers, nutritionists, doctors, and maybe most importantly - no kid's chicken nuggets and mac-n-cheese.
My Reboot will include 4 days of Curve's gym workouts plus 5 days of at home cardio. I've gotten myself my very own kettlebell (8 pounds) and the new Gold's Gym Cardio boxing game for the Wii and I'm actually looking forward to my extra workouts for the first time in a long time.
As far as eating goes, that is also turning out to be surprisingly easier than I imagined. After this Holiday Season I am just about as sick as sweets as any human could be. I don't think I could even think about eating another piece of cake or pie or candy even with my seemingly unsatisfiable sweet tooth. Yes, I know that won't last and probably before they even roll out the Valentine's candy I'll be raiding the pantry looking for a rogue tootsie roll. I'm going to make sure I have healthy alternatives like fruit, angle food cake, and maybe even the occasional mini York Peppermint Patty. I will also be including more vegis, which unfortunately have been sadly lacking in my diet for the past few weeks.
I've worked in a few rewards along the way like new workout clothes, trips to Sephora and so on. And the biggie, If I can manage to lose 30 pounds by the end of this season of Biggest Loser I can treat myself to a new summer wardrobe. Hey, if I lose 30 pounds I'm gonna need new threads.
Now, if you'll excuse me I've got to go Wii for the next 30 minutes. At least. See you next Tuesday!

Bittersweet - and not chocolate

2010-08-30T10:58:00.001-04:00

So here it is. The BIG announcement (well in my head anyways). I thought that I would be really excited to share this with y'all - and I am - but I wasn't expecting to also be kind of sad.
See, I'm going to be taking a break from Fat Girl Slim for a while. I love writing here. I do. It's just that, well, lately there hasn't been much to write about in the weight loss - fitness world. At least as it pertains to me.
No, I haven't given up. Far from it. I still have about 30 more pounds to lose. Paradoxically, stepping away from the blog for a while has revved up my enthusiasm for the actual work of losing weight rather than the just talking about losing weight. Quite frankly I have been focusing too much on the latter and not enough on the former for way too long. So I'm back in the gym, back to pounding the pavement, and back to all around better eating. I just won't get to tell you about all the everyday details.
And now for the second, BETTER, part of the announcement. No I have not given up writing. How could I? I will now be writing for a new website/online magazine/blog called Bit of the Bluegrass. It's a brand new site devoted to showing the ups and downs of living in the Bluegrass State. Most publications are devoted to a, shall we say, somewhat older and more affluent populations of Kentuckians. That is not what Bit of the Bluegrass is about. It's about the everyday life of actually living your life here and the simple joys that can be found here. We're starting out small for now, but as interest grows I would like to add more features and even bring in some different points of view with some other writers.
So if you're even a tiny bit interested, go on over and check it out. There are several ways to follow and/or subscribe to the site. And hey, today's the launch date so maybe you'll be the first. I will definitely miss Fat Girl, but I am way excited to share the Bluegrass. Hope you join me!
http://www.bitofthebluegrass.com/

Calories, Anyone?

2010-08-25T11:08:00.000-04:00

Ever wonder how many calories you burned rearranging your living room furniture? Cooking dinner for your kids? What about sex? Just how many calories does that burn? Well, wonder no more. I have found the best calorie calculator in the world. All you do is plug in your weight. Then go down the list plugging in how many minutes you spent doing each activity on the (very comprehensive) list during the past 24 hours. Be sure to do this at the same time every day if you are seriously counting and keeping track of calories.
Sure one of those Body Bugg things will do the same thing, but they cost something like $250 and they are, quite frankly, not all that attractive. I mean I suppose that you could tell everyone that that ugly black arm band is your new court ordered alcohol monitoring bracelet, but you should probably save that excuse for when you really need it. Besides this site is free.
I found out that a day spent shopping, doing general housework, raking grass in my yard, and washing and folding laundry burned nearly 1600 calories. Not to mention the 400 I burned at the gym. Sadly no sex was involved. It just goes to show you that you don't have to go to the gym to get in a decent workout. And let's just be honest - I'm much more likely to run my vacuum every day if I know that I can burn up to 250 calories/ 30 minutes of doing it. Clean house and a workout = SCORE!
So check it out and surprise yourself by just how much (or how little) your daily life fires off those calories. You might, like me, find yourself wanting to walk the dog just to see how many calories you burned.

p.s. Don't forget that the next post will bring The Big Announcement! It's kind of a big deal!

Break On Through to the Other Side

2010-08-17T18:28:00.000-04:00

Lately I've been pondering motivation. Like why is it such an easy concept to understand and so difficult to actually implement. I know I need to lose weight. I want to lose weight. No, I mean I REALLY want to lose weight. Not like "my diet starts first thing Monday morning." More like "I am losing weight because I am sick of living like this."
For some people motivation to lose weight comes when they see a picture of themselves and it forces them to see themselves as others do. Or worse, someone actually makes a hurtful comment. Or maybe they get an earful from their doctor, or their clothes just simply don't fit anymore.
When I first started on this journey my motivation was more of an epiphany. I simply realized that I would be turning 30 soon and I didn't want to waste any more time "going to" lose weight. Maybe the weight wouldn't come off right away, but at least I would be doing something about it.
And for me the biggest motivation is success. For every pound I lose it motivates me to lose another one. It's a good feeling to see the number on the scale going down. And like most things in life, when something feels good we want more of it.
But what happens when the scale just stops moving. True, it's not going up - and that is a very good thing. But neither is it going down. While that's not very good in and of itself, it's down right catastrophic for my motivation.
Finally, though, progress. I finally decided to buckle down and get down to business. You know what? It worked. Surprise! Surprise! I cut calories to 1200/day and upped they exercise. Way upped. I've been putting in hard circuits at the gym - pushing myself a little more each session. Also I've reintroduced walking, not just on the treadmill (which as you know is the most boring thing in the world), but outside with actual fresh air and crap.
Isn't it funny how we know the right things to do, but somehow never get around to doing them. Why is that. do you suppose? They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. If that is true, then perhaps the opposite is true as well. The road to paradise must be paved with fresh fruit and vegetables.

A Really Big Show!

2010-08-11T13:23:00.000-04:00

Today is my 97th post on this blog. The big 100 is right around the corner and I think that I should mark it by some really big changes to the way I share info with you. I don't want to spoil the surprise, but I will say that the change is for the better. I can't wait to share all this with you. For now just hang tight.
Moving right along to the subject matter at hand - The diet/lifestyle change is finally back on track. I hate that my kids have to go back to school so early, but I'm not at all sorry to be back on schedule. I'm back in the gym 3-4 days a week, and I'm eating regular meals at regular times. Boring, yes, but undeniably good for the body.
I have to travel to the lake house again at the end of September for Dad's 50th birthday (insert big whoo-hoo here). That is exactly six weeks from now and I would like to be down 10 pounds by then. That is a totally reasonable goal. That's 1.66 pounds per week and if I can't do that after setting stagnant all summer, well then, I just need to throw in the towel.
One last thing. Part of the Big Surprise has to do with food. (what doesn't?) Anyways, if anyone has any absolutely fabulous (original - meaning yours or a friend or family members, not previously published) recipes, healthy or otherwise, that you would like to share then please do so. Just send the recipe name and origin, recipe, and your name to keila_mb@myway.com. It really is going to be awesome!

Back to School and I'm the Fool

2010-08-05T08:35:00.000-04:00

My babies went back to school yesterday and yes, it is ridiculously early. I would so much rather them go to school all through May and then not go back until the end of August. Like so many other things, it would be so much better if I ran the world. So I am sad that the summer, at least for this family, is officially over. On the other hand, I will be glad to get back on some sort of schedule. My healthy lifestyle has gone woefully off course this summer and it would seem that while my kids pack up their little pencils and crayons, I will be packing up my protein bars and free weights.
Seems like there are a few lessons I need to brush up on. Like, how to get motivated to workout every morning. No choice, no options, just routine. Oh, it's a weekday? Then it's a workout day. (Weekends are still optional/light days)
I also need to relearn how to order off of a menu. . .and enjoy it. I have admittedly eaten some stuff this summer that probably won't be gracing the pages of Clean Eating magazine. Yes, that food was delicious. And I know that they strategically place such things on the menu, usually with big glossy pictures, just to lure you in. But I also know that the same restaurant that offers the delicious chicken Parmesan with all the ooey gooey melty cheesy goodness, also offers a really fresh and tasty salad with crunchy greens, juicy tomatoes, fresh mushrooms, and other vegis, all topped by a really savory piece of lemon grilled salmon. I just forget about it because it's buried at the bottom of the menu. So I guess I'll be spending more time at the bottom of the menu.
Likewise, a lesson I have never learned, is how to dine out with friends without feeling like the weirdo dieter friend. My friends are amateur foodies in the sense that maybe we don't have our own food network show, but we can definitely compete in the food Olympics. So when we go to a restaurant and I order a salad or some version of grilled chicken for the umpteenth time, they notice. "Oh, she's being good," they coo. Not sure if they are trying to be supportive, but the effect is the opposite in fact. I wind up feeling conspicuous and judged.
I guess I have my work cut out for me. I guess, like most things, that I will just have to knuckle down and do it. I am much better at avoiding, but that is no longer an option. Now maybe my daughter can explain long division to me so I will have a better time of dividing the calories in a restaurant dish.

My Husband is Safe. . .For Now

2010-07-31T14:09:00.000-04:00

Hubby: "Hey, dear. Where's my khaki pants?"
Me: "They are in the washing machine with my khaki pants."
Hubby (with disbelief): "But they weren't dirty!"
Me (smacking my forehead with sarcasm): "I'm sorry. I just assumed since they were on the bathroom floor. . ."

Guess it's a good thing I did an hour at the gym this morning. ; )

Wouldn't It Be Nice If. . .

2010-07-30T15:12:00.000-04:00

Wouldn't it be nice if one morning I could wake up and not think about what I'm going to eat throughout the day? Or just exactly how much time I can devote to getting the maximum workout? Or how in the world am I going to have the time to workout, go to the store, do everything that needs done at the house, and still have time to cook two different but equally healthy dinners?
Wouldn't it be nice to go to the mall with friends and be able to go in any shop and find clothes that fit? What would it be like not to have to shop exclusively in the "plus" or "women's" or the absolute worst "extended" sizes? I would like to be able to go shopping with my friends and come home with more than a purse or shoes or makeup. Those things are lovely, yes, but I shouldn't have to be reduced to buying my clothes online and having them come to my house in unmarked wrappers like fricken' porn. Although come to think of it the porn wouldn't be nearly as embarrassing as some of the sized I've let myself be resigned to in the past.
Wouldn't it be nice to not be the fat friend? The funny one? The one with such a pretty face? Wouldn't it be nice, at least just once, to be the hot one?
Mostly I wonder what it would be like not to wonder these things. What if my weight were not an issue? What will happen when I actually make my goal weight? Wouldn't it be nice if we could celebrate our accomplishments instead of zeroing in on our shortcomings?

WTH2O

2010-07-28T16:42:00.000-04:00

Have you been down the water aisle in the supermarket lately? I know, right, a water aisle? But anyone who is or has ever tried to lose weight knows the importance of drinking water. Or staying hydrated, is I suppose the new term. Whatever. When I'm thirsty, I'm thirsty and that is that. I try to get all of my 8 glasses of water a day, but I gotta say some days it's a challenge. So I decided to conduct a little experiment of my own.
I took a proactive approach to the supermarket water aisle and decided to try, if not all, at least a whole freakin' lot of different waters. How many different kinds of water can there be, you ask? Well, I will tell you.

First I bought several different brands of plain old water flavored water and I feel good saying that, hold on to your hats here, there's really not that much difference in flavor. I'm really not a fan of bottled water for environmental reasons and at home rely on a refrigerator filtration system and reusable bottles. That will continue to be my favorite. I also like the Crystal Lite flavors that you can get to mix in with your 16-20oz bottle of water. Most of them are in the 5 calorie range with a few of the energy or metabolism or hunger varieties going up to 30 calories. Still a waaaay better choice than even diet pop.
Next I tried a few of the grocery store brand carbonated flavored waters. Pretty good and I will probably buy them again. I liked the flavors, especially the black cherry and the lemon lime, and since it's carbonated it fills in nicely for diet pop in a pinch.
Then I hit the newest craze of "fitness waters". SoBe life water I did not care much for, but to be fair I only tried the lemonade flavor and it had a definite herbal flavor that I found objectionable but not totally unpalatable. Some of the people I talked to really like this product, so I think it must be a matter of personal taste here.
Then I moved onto the Vitamin Water Zero. It had, believe it or not, zero calories and miracle of miracles actually tastes good. The flavors are really nice and refreshing and each one is geared with specific vitamins and minerals added towards a specific purpose. Like the go-go flavor with extra B vitamins for energy. I don't know if it really made a difference in my energy levels but it tasted nice and was easy to chug back during a super hot workout.
Now, I will admit to being sucked in by the whole O.N.E. coconut water craze. You've seen all the pictures of celebrities carrying it around in their skinny red-stringed wrists. I thought that they must be on to something and since it is an actual natural product with no additives or added sugar and sporting tons of natural electrolytes and more potassium than a banana, I figured this one would be a slam dunk. Especially when it was on sale at my local Kroger. $1 is a small price to pay for a taste of the good life, right? First let me say that O.N.E. coconut water tastes nothing like coconut, which is disappointing to say the least. What it does taste like, and I feel that I am not overstating things here, ice cold vomit. I could not even finish the whole 8oz carton and when I finally gave up I considered licking the dogs ass just to get the taste out of my mouth. Sorry, O.N.E. people, but I really really REALLY did not enjoy your product. I would have to be just this side of actual dehydration to ever consider putting that stuff in my mouth again, and even then I'd have to think about it.
The conclusion: Water is Water. Flavored is good, plain is even better, and if you get it out of your tap and put it in your own reusable bottle its the best. Now stop harping on how hydrated you are or need to be and shut up and drink your water.

Just Another Day in the Life

2010-07-27T12:53:00.000-04:00

My blogger dashboard was in a full on hissy fit yesterday such that I could not spread my usual sunshine so today you get the double dose. I haven't been in the best mood as of late and I'm not exactly sure of the reason. Perhaps it is the oppressive heat that is sweeping the country (104 degrees day before yesterday) or it could be that the scale hasn't been as cooperative as I think that it should be, but then again what else is new?. And now, just to see if I can bring the rest of you down, a few hard truths for your day.
Just because your muscles are sore from a workout does not mean that you should take the day off from exercise, according to this month's issue of Women's Health magazine. We build muscle by creating tiny little tears in our muscle fibers and when they repair themselves more muscle tissue is built - more or less. So as long as you are eating adequate amounts of protein to facilitate muscle production you should have no problem with back to back workouts. The only catch is that sore and over worked muscles are more prone to injury. So if your legs are screaming from yesterday's squats focus today on upper body and vice versa. The only exception is your abdominal muscles which require very little if any recovery time seeing as how they are designed to move and flex with practically every movement of our bodies.
Also I have found a new motivator to amp up my diet and exercise routine. It goes like this - Losing weight and fitting into smaller size clothing = very good! having said clothing be tight and not hang off your body like the larger size = not so good. Nothing like a new ~~sausage casing~~ pair of workout pants to make a girl see the trouble areas. As is I were unaware.
And lastly, this. Calories that you eat on vacation are just as real as calories that you consume at home. I know, right? I was shocked too! I mean what is the point of working so hard to be able to go on vacation if you can't even enjoy it once you're there? Or if you are like me, you say "screw it" and let yourself enjoy your vacation with wild abandon then suffer terrible amounts of guilt and depression once you get home. I mean, really, was that ginormous cinnamon roll really worth the extra fat and calories? I guess you just gotta pick and chose. Like the really yummy sweet potato casserole I had at one restaurant was totally worth the fat and calories, plus I got the added vitamin A and fiber from the sweet potatoes. But the aforementioned cinnamon roll, not so much. No redeeming nutritional qualities whatsoever, and the worst part is - it wasn't even the best cinnamon roll I've ever had. Ah, you live and learn I guess.
So there you have it, sports fans. Your daily dose of sunshine without all of that pesky vitamin D and s#*t! Enjoy it. And tune in next time when I'll try not to be so damn chipper.

Worth the Weight

2010-07-25T17:53:00.000-04:00

Since I do not subscribe to any "diet" in any sense of the word, I instead try to focus on common sense eating and getting plenty of exercise. But in the interest of self preservation there are certain things that I will not let cross my lips, for a variety of reasons. One of those things is Hostess Ho Ho's or their less desirable but still quite tasty counterpart the Little Debbie Swiss Roll. I cannot allow myself to eat either of these due to the infamous Ho Ho incident of 1996. I won't go into details but lets just say it was not pretty. Another thing I will not eat is Jello. As a rule I reject most things of a gelatinous nature. Likewise, I refuse to eat cauliflower - not due to any nutritional questions I may have, in fact I have heard that it is quite lovely- I just don't like it.
On the other hand there are certain things that diet or not one probably shouldn't eat, at least with any amount of regularity. Since I am not, thank Bob, on any sort of diet I am free to eat pretty much anything I want. But since I am also trying to lose weight, I probably shouldn't eat these things as often as I want to. I tend to subscribe to the French theory of all things in moderation and the Food Inc. theory of eating whatever you want as long as you make it yourself. Some things I am just not willing to give up, even if it does mean dragging out the old cast iron skillet.
So, #1, I am not willing to live without fried chicken. This is definitely not something I would consider eating everyday, well OK, I have considered it but not with any feasibility. I'm also not talking about the kind out of the bucket. While tasty, definitely not worth the weight. I'm talking bring home the chicken, cut it up, let it soak in buttermilk overnight, season it, dredge it, let it rest, heat up the shortening in the cast iron frying pan, fry the chicken, let it rest, eat it with your fingers fried chicken. YUM!
#2, Please do not take away my alcohol. No I am not an alcoholic, far from it. But I live in Kentucky, I like to watch sports - preferably live, I like to play the ponies, I love to have a party, my family comes from a long tradition of bourbon conosiures. There will be drinking.
#3, There will also be chocolate. Don't care about no Hershey bar. I am way to old for that. My weakness is the Bourbon Sea Salt Chocolate Covered Caramels from Ruth Hunt in Mt Sterling, KY. I don't ever want to live in a world where they don't exist.
#4, I am not a vegetarian. I grudgingly respect those that are, but I am an Omnivore. I would totally be carnivorous if it weren't for those pesky fruits and vegetables they tell me I can't live without. So I live with a compromise. I will eat my recommended daily servings of vegetables and fruits. I will lay off the refined carbs and get rid of the trans-fats. I'll eat grilled chicken and fish as much as I can but every now and then I've got to have me a big ol' slightly undercooked juicy hunk of red meat.
#5Cheese. Not Kraft singles, which really isn't even cheese by the way. Not Velveeta - don't even get me started. I like real aged cheddar, smoked cheddar, real Parmesan-reggiano, Maytag blue cheese, a nice caraway Swiss, or an artisanal goat cheese. Just real cheese. That is all.
I guess you can tell that I am a bit of a foodie. That can pose a bit of a problem when trying to lose weight and that sucks. So I suppose that I will never be a size 6 again, but neither am I willing to live on lean cuisine meals and diet soda. No more air puffed cardboard cakes for me. I will eat real food, just slightly less of it, and I will (hopefully) be a happy size 10-12. And I am good with that.

Shhhh. . .Can You Hear It?

2010-07-23T12:40:00.000-04:00

My horoscope for today suggested that I should seek some time to myself today in order to still my mind and hear the answers that are waiting for me. I guess the universe really does have all the answers. My mind really could use some stillness today, it is really just a matter of finding the time to indulge it. But the universe says to so I suppose I should obey.
What answers am I seeking, you ask. Well, to be honest, I'm not really sure myself. Do you ever have times in your life when everything seems to be rolling towards some unknown precipice. You can feel it coming, but you don't really know what it is or when it will come. Things seem to be slightly out of control but you can't quite put your finger on just exactly what. That's where I am right now.
I'm not exactly depressed, in fact my mood is pretty good. It's more like a slight anxiety, but that's not really right either. I'm not scared or nervous or anything like that, more like just certain that something is on hte horizon for me and/or my family.
Now for the funniest thing. As I set here quietly writing this a certain calm has come over me. It occurs to me that it doesn't matter what is coming down the road for me. No one ever really knows. The best that anyone can ever do is take care of the people and things that are given to us to take care of and trust that that will be enough.
I suppose things have gotten kind of out of control this summer, as it does every summer with out of school kids and multiple and varied vacations (3 different ones so far) and so forth. Things tend to get pretty lax around here and I know enough about myself to know that I have to have a schedule, at least a rough outline of one.
The answer that has come to me is that I need to get myself and my family back on some sort of, if not schedule, at least order. Get back in the healthy eating routine and back on an exercise schedule for myself. Vacation is officially over for me now and to be quite honest, I'm OK with that. We have travelled over 4000 miles this summer travelling through 9 different states. Yes, we love a road trip. And yes, up north in Wisconsin, and down south at the beach, and way up high in the mountains is very nice. But I can now say with some authority that there is indeed no place like home.

You're Not the Boss of Me!

2010-07-16T09:07:00.000-04:00

I finally had to say that to my scale. It was a long time coming, but in the end it was totally worth it. You see, for so long I was a slave to what that number said every morning. The number on a little plastic box that I bought at Wal Mart for less than $50 determined how my day would go.
Stupid, I know. But, evidently, not that uncommon. I was reading a post by Jules over at Big Girl Bombshell (one of my favorite bloggers BTW) and it got me to thinking about my own hate/hate relationship with the scale. It's just a number, right?
Well, yes and no. Yes it is just a number, but it's also what that number represents. All too often all I saw on the face of my scale was shame, disappointment, and failure. How could I let it get this bad? Why am I so fat? Why can't I lose the weight? What's wrong with me?
Turns out, nothing is wrong with me after all. I just didn't have the right tools. And that's all a scale is, you know, a tool. When I first realized that it was mind blowing. What a concept. The scale is just another tool in my weight loss arsenal. No different really than my calorie counter or my workout DVDs. Crazy.
So I stopped caring so much about the number. Sure I still weigh myself every morning. I know they say not to do that or you'll drive yourself crazy. But now I use the number on the scale as more of a guideline. It doesn't rule my life. I can objectively look at it and say, "oh you're up a pound. now what are you going to do to get going back in the right direction?" or "look at that down 2 pounds, must've been doing something right."
"How about we don't let the box of rats ruin our lives?" (if you don't know what that's from, well then, sorry.) And that's all that scale is, a little box of rats. I know, it's a pretty poor metaphor, but come on, it's early.
I have chosen not to let the scale rule/ruin my life. I am looking forward to the day when I reach my goal weight and feel comfortable weighing myself once a month to keep on track. I can't wait until I can feel happy living within a five pound "zone" instead of tracking every pound. But until then I will not obsess over every up and down on the scale. Instead I will use those readings as guides to what my next move should be.

Two Things That Chapped Me Today and One Thing That Made Me Smile!

2010-07-15T10:49:00.000-04:00

No, it really doesn't take all that much to make me mad. Anyone can tell you, I have a lot of anger issues and in order not to take my rage out on my family and friends, I sometimes have to take it out on unsuspecting restaurant hostesses, gas station attendants, and airport check-in clerks, just to name a few. But today was too damn much. Really, people, if you don't like it when I tell you that you're f-ing stupid - then don't be f-ing stupid.
I finally made it to the gym this morning and hour later than usual due to technical difficulties at home. I should have known that it was going to be one of "those" days, but I did not pay attention. There were only two other people in the gym, the owner and another lady and despite the techno gospel coming over the speakers I was thinking that it might turn out OK. WRONG! What I failed to recognize was the fact that the other lady had her children with her. And our gym does not offer day care. In fact, there is a sign posted on the door and several wall throughout the facility that clearly states that children are not prohibited. Evidently this lady was one of those special people to which the rules that the rest of us must follow just do not apply. All I can say is that she was "special" all right, and so were her kids.
I realize I'm being harsh, but, hey, you weren't there, OK. I will say that the disturbance was mostly limited to one specific kid. He was everywhere. Even after the owner had told both his mom and him that she was sorry, but he just wasn't allowed in there. (Evidently there had been complaints before today's incident) He proceed to haul himself to the computer and push every button on the keyboard. BTW, the mom is just blithely continuing her workout. The owner has to stop what she's doing, run over there, and basically pull the kid away from the computer before he wrecks something. "I was just gonna play some games," he says. "This computer doesn't have any games,"she explains, "It's only for members to track their workouts." The mom just laughs as the kid proceeds to throw a fit and slam out the glass doors almost breaking them. The owner and I just look at each other in amazement. Holy crap!
Listen, I get it. My own workout suffers in the summer for lack of a babysitter. But here's the thing and it's very simple. My gym does not offer child care, ergo if I do not have a babysitter I do not go. Yes, it sucks. But it would suck way more for my kids to destroy the gym and all it's equipment while I laughingly continued my workout. Not that such a thing would ever happen. My kids know how to behave. Grrrr!
Then I get home and turn on my trusty ~~time suck~~ computer and what greets me but doom and gloom. According to a study by Northwestern University School of Medicine women who have more fat deposits around their hips and butts are more likely to develop memory loss later in life. What the heck. First they tell us that if we have excess weight around our middles, we are more at risk for heart disease and now if we have big asses we're doomed to dementia. Huh? Can't a girl have a little junk in her trunk anymore? I suppose that the bad news is that I'll probably have a heart attack at some point, but the good news is that I probably won't remember it. "So I've got that goin' for me, which is nice."
And finally for the one bright shining point of light in my day so far. And it's a biggie! After several weeks that scale has finally made a decidedly downward turn. I have gained and lost the same 3-4 pounds for months now, but now it appears that I have broken through and things are looking up again. Or should I say, at least as far as weight is concerned, down.

Goin' to the Country, Gonna Eat A Lot of Peaches

2010-07-13T20:49:00.000-04:00

I could wax poetic all day about my love affair with peaches. But I'll try to contain myself. The love I have for peaches is short lived though because while there is nothing better than a fresh, ripe, juicy peach; there is also nothing worse than a hard, bland, grocery store winter peach. YUCK!
Luckily for me, we are right smack dab in the middle of peach season and I am filling my days with ways to consume them. Out of hand is an oldie but a goodie, but I think we can improve upon the concept.
How about peach salsa? Dice up a few ripe peaches, about a 1/4 cup of red onion, 1/2 a red bell pepper, and a little cilantro all tossed together with a teaspoon each of honey and red wine vinegar. Trust me, it's delicious! Try it over salmon or pork chops.
Toss a few slices of peaches in with your fresh green salad the same way you would mandarin oranges. Garnish with almonds and a raspberry vinaigrette. Makes a great side dish or you could add some left-over grilled chicken or fish and you've got a meal for those nights when it's too hot to cook.
And if all of that hasn't gotten you sick of peaches yet, you could try my all time favorite summer dessert. I feel like I could not over state this enough. Words alone are not strong enough for how I feel about this dessert. Not even mentioning the laziness factor alone, this is quite simply one of the tastiest things you will ever put in your mouth. Cobbler Shmobbler.
I'm talking about grilled peaches. Ahhhh. Just the sound of it is sexy, isn't it? Cut your peaches in half, and remove the pit. Brush LIGHTLY with oil, or better yet use no stick cooking spray. Place, flesh side down, on a super hot grill or grill pan for about a minute. Remove to plate. Drizzle with honey and top with one scoop of double churned vanilla bean ice cream or low-fat frozen yogurt. Add a sprig of mint if you're feeling fancy. Now I ask you, what other dessert could be so tasty and come in at less than 250 calories. Plus all the vitamins and fiber in the peach. BooYah!
So there you go. Millions of peaches, peaches for me. Millions of peaches, peaches for free. OK, so maybe they're not free, but they are certainly a lot cheaper when they're in season.

Salt-1, Me-0

2010-07-12T19:45:00.000-04:00

Ever have one of those days when you wake up feeling so bloated that your eyelids don't really open all the way? You know, you can't really twist your rings on or off your fingers and your pants which fit just fine yesterday are suddenly about a size too small.
What the hell, you think. This can't be. It's not like I ate the whole Christmas ham all by myself yesterday. And it can't have been dehydration. I spent all day at the pool yesterday and consumed truly astonishing amounts of water. Trust me, I was up all night paying the price.
I did break down and have one piece of pizza, with pepperoni and everything. But I swear it was only one piece and I made allowances in my eating for the rest of the day. How much sodium can three or four pieces of pepperoni contain?
OK, OK, lesson learned. No more pizza by the pool or other such frivolities for me. It is totally not worth it and for the second day in a row I have drank water until my eyeballs are practically floating. Guess that salt lick is out of the question. Damn!

Hey, You Got Your Tickets?. . .

2010-07-09T08:29:00.000-04:00

"What tickets?" you ask innocently.
"To the GUN SHOW!" I say flexing my biceps maniacally.
Mwaaahaahaaa!
Lame, yes, I know. But I have worked hard on my arms and as I have not yet reached my goal weight, these arms are rockin' proof that I have indeed been doing something and not just wished the weight away. If only.
My sister-in-law and I went shopping last night. Yes, I know it's been a theme with me lately but my kids and husband are gone and I have to get while the getting's good. I went chiefly for some new workout pants and cute black sandals, not I might add to wear together. I succeeded in those regards. I also walked away with some cute summer tops. Both of them sleeveless.
Sleeveless!!!!!
Previously, I would never have even considered baring my arms to the world. It was so bad at one point that I would have worn a sweatshirt over my bathing suit if I could have. No more! I always marveled at those women who, while obviously larger than myself, seemed not at all bothered by the fact that their arms were uncovered and out there. What freedom, I thought. What confidence.
Now I get it. I don't have to have the best body, I just need to have a body that I'm not ashamed of. And I'm not ashamed anymore.
In fact, I'm pretty damn proud at this point. Don't agree? Hey, you've seen my arms right?

The Third Ring of Hell

2010-07-07T08:28:00.000-04:00

Let me just start this post by saying that I love love love to shop! Could shop all day. I'm a firm believer in retail therapy to cure what ails you. My favorite vice is things for my home. A nice vase, a lamp, some beautiful drapes - how exciting. But now it's time to dress, not my nest, but myself. I seem to have put it off way too long.
I have skated by on too big jackets and shirts, dryer shrunk jeans, and an impressive repetoir of yoga pants. Now my 10th Anniversary of being married to Hubby is coming up and he is taking me on a short trip to celebrate. (He is really more of a trip giver than a gift giver, which is fine by me. : ) ) The down side to this whole thing is that I will need to pack a suitcase. CRAP! As my sister-in-law will tell you, I will put off packing my suitcase for any trip until it is practically time to pull out of the driveway. And I always forget something. Thank goodness there's a WalMart on every corner now.
The problem now is not so much that I don't want to pack, but that I really have nothing to pack. I seriously have like one pair of white pants that I love! and a couple of much loved and much worn sun dresses. This does not a summer vacation wardrobe make.
Add to that the fact that my mother has decided to come and ~~kidnap~~ take my kids to her house for a fun-filled week at Gran's. It's like the universe is telling me, "Go buy new clothes. You have no excuse."
And you should neeeevvver ignore the universe. So I suppose I will take myself to the mall. CRAP! Oh well, there's always Sephora!

I Always Knew I was Cool But. . .

2010-07-05T10:23:00.001-04:00

I think I may have started something. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself. When I got my weighted hula hoop no one in the world (outside of my trainer, of course) had heard of such a thing. "That's nothing but a toy," Hubby protested. "Not if you're doing it right," I countered. Besides I'd like to see his big butt get up and do it. Haaaaa!
But now I have unequivocal proof that the hula hoop is a bonafied piece of workout equipment. The super-great Gabby Reece has endorsed the hula hoop and has even come out with a workout routing that you can do with your hula hoop, weighted or otherwise. Check her out on her website http://www.gabbydaily.com/2010/06/hula-hooping-is-hard-core/ and on the Honey Line at http://www.thehoneyline.com/ for more information on the hooping workout and Gabby's just general awesomeness.
I can attest to the effectiveness of the hula hoop. Since using it I have lost inches around my middle and my balance and posture have definitely improved. And besides all of that, it's just flippin' fun. So Fat Girl Slim says to go out and get thy self a hula hoop.

And the Winner Is. . .

2010-07-04T23:11:00.000-04:00

Today, as evidenced by the fireworks and hotdogs, is the fourth of July. Independence Day. Here at Fat Girl Slim I have decided to be independent from dieting. In honor of that I had a give away going on in which any new or current follower would be eligible for a Independence From Dieting prize package. This includes a Dance Off the Pounds DVD, a BPA free water bottle, a pedometer, and a few other goodies all designed to help foster a healthier lifestyle and not just fad dieting.
I'm excited to say that after a totally fair drawing* the winner is a new follower, Andrea McCleese! So Andrea, congratulations and welcome to the blog, invite your friends to follow, and feel free to comment. Look for your prize to be delivered before the end of the week.

*by totally fair I mean that my brother installed some sort of randomizing software on my computer and I don't really know how it works, but I put every ones name in and push a button and - ouila! Magic! I think I will start using it to decide what to have for dinner. Kind of like 21st century magic 8 ball.

Disapointment Rides High

2010-07-02T09:12:00.001-04:00

I totally carbed-out yesterday. Why, you might ask? Was it a stressful day? Kids driving you nuts? Hubby being hateful? Nope. Just lost my mind, I guess. And when I say carbed-out, I ain't a lyin'. I'm talking about full on, diabetic coma inducing, bread fest.
The day started out innocently enough. Had a healthy breakfast of whole wheat toast w/ homemade sugar-free strawberry jam. Had an amazing workout at the gym then took the babies to our nearby state park for a bit of a hike and a picnic of turkey on whole wheat pita, laughing cow lite cheese wedges, fresh fruit, and yogurt. The kids splashed around in the creek for a bit then we packed up and came home. I did a bit of yard work while the kids played outside. Then we all came in for a snack. They wanted granola bars and chocolate milk, which I provided. Then I proceeded to eat the rest of the pack of pitas. (2 pitas - dry) WTF? What in the world was I smokin'? And I swear smokin' grass makes about as much sense as anything for the munchies that followed.
I realized that I was going down a path that was self-destructive. I tried to snap out of it and eat a healthier dinner. I had earlier put in a chicken to roast with rosemary and thyme. I planned on serving it w/ fresh green beans and thick slices of tomato. Healthy, no? When everything was done the kids were starving. I, of course, not so much. So I fed the kids and tried to distract myself with a few household chores. As it got closer to 8:00 I figured I had better eat something because I didn't want to leave it to too late and I knew if I didn't eat anything before going to bed I would feel like dirt in the morning. So, I ate chicken. That's it, just chicken. Then to top that all off, I ate a few pieces of raisin bread. OK, four, but I can only plead chemical induced hysteria. The chemical being simple sugar.
So, I work up this morning feeling like dirt anyway and maybe even lower than that. A plan, yeah that's it. I need a plan. So hear it is. I started breakfast with yogurt and juice. Gonna do a super cardio workout (might as well use all those carbs to fuel something) then gonna have a moderately sized green salad for lunch. Gonna flush out my system with mass quantities of water and green tea. And gonna hula hoop until I can't hoop no more. And most of all, I am absolutely not gonna eat any simple carbs.

Seriously!?!?

2010-06-30T09:06:00.000-04:00

OK, I know I've bitched about this before, but it's kind of a big deal and well, it just doesn't stop making me mad. Skinny jeans! And gladiator sandals!
Are you kidding me? I suppose they are cute - in a hungry sort of way. But if you weigh more than, oh I don't know, 100 pounds you can't possibly hope to pull off the skinny jeans. Gladiator sandals are a slightly different animal in that you don't necessarily have to be a certain size to wear them. Other than the fact that you probably shouldn't have cankles, which of course leaves me out. And as any big girl knows the goal is to make your legs look longer and leaner and cutting them off visually at the ankle is probably not the best way to do that.
So there you go. Skinny jeans and gladiator sandals can suck it. The fashion police really should just declare that sausage casings are going to be the new must have for fall. It would be less cruel.

Never Sure What to Say

2010-06-29T13:10:00.000-04:00

We've all been there. That compliment that we're just not quite sure how to take. Is it back-handed or genuinely well intentioned? To be honest, I've never really been that good at accepting compliments, well meant or otherwise. Even when people are just really trying to be polite I feel like I'm somehow unworthy of it so I downplay it.
I've been trying to do better. When someone gives me a compliment I've been trying to answer with a simple "Thank you." and let it go. No qualifications, no doubts. It feels good.
But there is one compliment that I'm just not too sure of. How do you take it when someone says, "You look so good. You've lost a ton of weight." Umm, yeah I have. Thanks for noticing but did I really look like such a fat slob before?
OK, yes I was fat. I'm not ashamed to admit that because I've worked (and am still working) really hard to change that. I'm not embarrassed by the fact that I was fat. Now. But I used to be terribly embarrassed by the way I looked and any time someone mentions it, it takes me back there.
I know that most people don't mean it that way. Most people are genuinely happy for me, or at least I choose to think so. My group of friends have been especially great. Most everyone has struggled with weight at one time or another and we've all been through so much together that it is impossible to keep secrets or even have hard feeling with them. When one of my friends says that she can tell that I've lost a bunch of weight it makes me feel good.
But what about just casual acquaintances? People from town or people that I only see a few times a year? Yes, I've lost weight. And yes, I'm looking pretty decent these days. But because I look good now, does that mean I looked like a total train-wreck before? I know in my head that it doesn't. But still. . .
So, that's what I'm going to be working on in the next little bit. Learning to accept compliments at their face value. See, I'm more than just a pretty face.

Things That Make You Go, "Hmmmm. . ."

2010-06-27T17:41:00.000-04:00

My new obsession (aside from my Kindle) is the Boomerang channel on TV. Does anyone else have this channel? It's basically all the old Hanna Barbera -and otherwise fabulous- cartoon from back in the day. Flintstones, Jetsons, Smurfs, Magilla Gorilla, Top Cat, Yogi Bear, and even Rocky and Bullwinkle. I love it.
But I have noticed something, not so much disturbing as just, well, weird. I can report that there are no over-weight female cartoon characters. Well, except for that time that Mama Cass was on Scooby Doo, but that doesn't really count because she was a real-life person and much as they would have liked to, the animators couldn't very well draw Mama Cass the same size as Michelle Phillips. Have you noticed, though? Wilma and Betty - skinny. Daphne and even Velma - thin. Even Natasha was Russian Bond-girl slender.
So what the heck? I haven't really noticed this in todays cartoons but I think this has more to do with the fact that my kids watch things like Spongebob Squarepants and I don't think Sandy the Squirell could be classified as skinny or otherwise.
I'm thinking this merits further investigation. So don't call. I'm going to pack my pic-i-nic basket with healthy snacks and bring in those pesky kids for a Throw Back Cartoon Marathon. Have a Smurftastic Day.

Just a Few Notes on Being 30

2010-06-24T21:46:00.000-04:00

It has been over six full months since I plunged into the big 3-0 and I really could not feel better. As my thirties were coming up, I was strangely clam about it, excited even. My only apprehension was wondering if my early acceptance of being 30 was setting me up for a major downfall. Not too sure about that one but for now I am loving being 30. There are no more questions of "who am I?" or "what should I do about this?" Being 30 has given me a strange permission to be an adult. I love it.
I no longer have to explain myself or what I do to anyone. I didn't finish college, I don't have a job, I'm basically trained for NOTHING. I used to feel really bad about all of this, but now I find it remarkably freeing. I do have a great husband who is a great provider for our family. I have two very well-behaved children. I have a beautiful home that I have had the privilege of making comfortable for our family. And yes, even though I don't work, I have a cleaning lady. Deal with it. I have. I no longer feel guilty about not having a "career" so to speak. I really admire all my friends who have careers that they love and are good at, but I have decided that "Housewife Philanthropist" is not a bad position to be in. 30 says that I don't have to feel guilty about it anymore.
But here recently there a few more things that 30 has been saying to me. Things like "You should probably be taking calcium so you don't break a hip down the road." Obviously 30 has never seen the padding protecting these hips or it might not worry so much, but that's beside the point. OK, I'll take your damn calcium. And, "Maybe glitter is no longer the way to go." That one I can live with just fine, thank you very much. And the killer, "Perhaps you should look into some wrinkle cream. At least around the eyes, hmm?"
Wrinkle cream?!? What the hell? Are you kidding me? My eyes are just fine. Oh, wait a minute. What's that? Is that the beginnings of crows feet? And are those squint lines between my eyebrows starting to be permanent? I keep telling myself that it has more to do with losing weight and losing some of the fullness that was always in my face, rather than any actual aging on my part. I doubt it. DAMN IT!

I was cursed with the oiliest skin known to man. I deal with teenage-like zits when most of my friends skin has been cleared up for years. You would think that would give me some sort of dispensation from early-onset wrinkles. Wouldn't you? I suppose not.
So I haul myself into Sephora. A sacrifice, I know. I mean, I'm hardly ever there. Only three of the sales girls know my name. Oh, and the one guy with the green eyeliner that knows how to apply false eyelashes just right. But no eyelashes for me. The girls look confused. No lipstick? No mascara? Not even some new bronzer? No thank you. Point me to the skin care. I'm here for my wrinkles. They all gasp in shock. Well, they would. They're all 20somethings. Bitches.
Now I'm really ready for 30. I've got all the tools in my toolbox now. I've got my peptides, and serums, and CoQ-10 complexes. I've got my multi-vitamin and my fish oil that promises to take care of my heart. I've got my Spanx (an oldie but a goodie) and I've got my big girl shoes.
Oh yeah! I forgot to mention the best part of being 30. I now have permission to buy ridiculously expensive shoes. Not Manolo's exactly - I mean, I still live in eastern Kentucky. But I am loving my new Cole Haan peep-toe pumps with the Nike insole. Oh, and the strappy sandals. And the Charles David boots.
See, 30 kicks ass! Mama don't shop at Payless no more unless she wants to.

Independance Day Contest!!!

2010-06-22T11:55:00.000-04:00

This Fourth of July we're honoring Independence Day by freeing ourselves from dieting. Diet is a four-letter word at my house and if you hear me use it, it is in reference to the way that we eat - not some crack-brained lose weight quick scheme.
We have made healthy eating and exercise an everyday part of our lives and in so doing have gained Independence from yo-yo dieting and the health hazards that go along with it. So in honor of our nation's Independence Day, I'm having a contest here on Fat Girl Slim.
All you have to do is invite some friends to follow the blog and you and them will be entered to win a package that includes items to help you live healthy every day. On July 4th a random winner will be chosen from all followers.
Prize includes 10 Minute Solution Fat Blasting Dance Mix DVD, pedometer, BPA free water bottle, and maybe a few surprises. I figure it's a win-win. I maybe get a few new followers, thereby allowing me to get cooler features on the blog. And you get a chance to win a prize.
So, good luck and quit dieting!*

* Style and color of water bottle and pedometer may differ based on availability at end of contest.

Temporary Insanity Due to Hormonal Imbalance

2010-06-21T22:32:00.003-04:00

Today I lost my mind.
Seriously.
But I am not worried. Much. You see it happens every month around the same time. In fact you could set your watch by it. I probably have the most regular menstrual cycle in the free freakin' world. Every 28 days. Around mid-day. No kidding. You can't make this crap up. Who would want to?!? And I'm not on the pill.
Now I know that it may not me the most lady-like subject to discuss, (ironic, no?) but despite all evidence of extreme regularness- I seem to have a bit of period craziness going on.

You see, on the second day of my cycle I lose my mind. Again, seriously. I have been known to drive 30 minutes out of my way. Before I even realized it. Or go on buying binges for clothes that I didn't even check the sizes on, much less bothered to try on. I've gotten the kids up and dressed for school before one of them became awake enough to remind me, "Uh, Mom? It's spring break." And always, every freakin' month, I go on a crazy lady eating binge.
Everyone has times when you eat something that you know you probably shouldn't and you look at it, weigh your options, commit to the extra cardio, and go for it anyway. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about me eating hot dogs for supper. Something I would never otherwise consider worth the calories. Two of them. Plus a bowl of cherries, which in and of itself wouldn't be so bad. But I followed it all up with a Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pie. Are you kidding me? Little Freakin' Debbie? I blew it all on hot dogs and Little Debbies? WTF? I won't even go into the Hostess Ho Ho incident of 1996. Suffice it to say I can't even have them in the house for fear of a relapse.
The truly disturbing thing is that I didn't even consider what I was doing while I was doing it. There was never a moment of, "maybe this isn't the best thing for me to be eating it" I didn't even give myself the courtesy of trying to lie to myself or make excuses for why I "needed" that junk. I'm not entirely sure yet if that's a good thing or bad. I mean, there could have been a huge-ass chocolate cake on the counter and I might have eaten the whole thing and been wiping crumbs off my shirt before I thought to ask myself if cake was really what I wanted.
Usually I try to plan ahead for "Day 2" as my husband calls it. He doesn't avoid the PMS, like most husbands. PMS really isn't a problem for me. But he is aware that on Day 2 he's going to have to follow me around like a newly-sprung mental patient because I'm as likely to give all our money away to buy back-packs for homeless orphans of circus freaks or some other such bull shit as I am to eat a whole box of saltines. However, Hubby is not here. He is on the boat. Just like he is every other month. Lucky bastard!
That is why I cannot make, nor keep, any appointments on the third Monday of every even-numbered month. Besides, I would be too busy eating pickles, or 14 scrambled eggs, or just toast - all day.
All I can say is that it is a good thing that it only lasts one day. I suppose one day is not going to kill me. Provided that I don't suddenly develop a craving for rat poison or something. I can always go on super-detox tomorrow. My usual "day after" eating plan includes yogurt, whole grains, and fresh vegis. I actually do this for a couple days along with a bit of extra cardio. In this way I have managed not to gain like 1,000 pounds following my King Henry VIII at the banquet days.
"After all, tomorrow is another day. . ."

Stuck Between a Peach Pit and a Hard Place

2010-06-18T13:37:00.000-04:00

Where I live is rural. We're talking pipe-in-the-sunshine rural. You ever heard that Mark Twain saying? "When the end of the world happens, I want to be in Kentucky because they are always 20 years behind the rest of the world." Well, it's true. And my small corner of it is even further behind than that. I love my local grocery store and feel that it's just as important to buy local as it is to buy organic, but organic isn't even in my stores vocabulary. They've finally gotten on the whole grains bandwagon but times are slow to change.
I'm thankful for my local farmers market where I can fulfill both my local and organic obligations. But I can't do all my shopping at a fruit stand. Even I get sick of farm-fresh peaches after a while. A very long while, but still.
So here's my dilemma. When I really need to stock up do I drive the extra miles (and use the extra gas) to go to the really good grocery store that carries all my produce and frozen favorites? Or do I stick local, thereby saving time and gas, but probably paying a little more and maybe not getting what I want? The time spent works out about the same by the time I have to go to two or three places to fill my list in town as opposed to one stop out of town.
So far I've been able to stock up when I'm already going out of town for Dr.'s appointment and the like. But it's summertime and the livin' is supposed to be easier. I want to lay by the pool not spend all my time in my ~~mom-wagon~~ super cool SUV driving all over hell and half of Georgia looking for local-grown organic leaf lettuce.
So what does everyone else do? Do you stock up or buy as you need? Do you prefer organic or local? Or do you think I'm off my rocker for even devoting this amount of time to it?

Big Changes on the Horizon

2010-06-15T14:41:00.000-04:00

For a while now there has been a little idea rolling around in the back of my head that I need to shake things up. I've been in a blogging rut for a while and since I've been stalled out in the weight loss for roughly the same amount of time I can't say that the two are necessarily unrelated.
So I'm thinking maybe some format changes. A few new features. Maybe a new name or something. I'm still not real sure, but some thing's gotta give, if you know what I mean.
I am completely open to any suggestions or ideas. Drop me a comment and let me know what you're thinking. Anything you want to see added, or maybe something you don't care so much for. Or maybe just any crazy old idea that you'd like to let me know. I'm open to just about anything. Well, except maybe fortune telling. A girl's got to keep some secrets, after all.

Tanorexic

2010-06-14T10:44:00.000-04:00

Hello, my name is Keila and I'm a Tanorexic. Those of you who know me will know that this is very out of character. I am totally anti-tanning bed and quite frankly anti-heat. The summer is my least favorite time of year and I would gladly clean toilets in the air-conditioned inside rather than do ten minutes of sweat inducing yard work. (note: I actually love gardening, I just have to get up really early to do it). So the idea that I would be an avid sun seeker is as foreign an idea as me willingly standing naked in front of a group of strangers. Really when you think about it, it's not that different. I have happily spent the last week laying on a beach with thousands of strangers wearing not much more than my underwear.
Admittedly, I have lost some weight since the last time I went to the beach. BTW, Mindy, I looked around and couldn't find your shoes anywhere ;-) Still, I hadn't lost enough to justify the wearing of a bikini, and I don't think I ever will. Those days are far behind me. There's still the little matter of stretch marks, after all. So I found myself a super-hot one piece. (Thank you, Lands End for bra-cup sizing!!!) It is in a Grecian style and it's peacock blue, which sets the tan off nicely.
And that brings us back to my original point. I layed and I turned and I burned a little and still I layed some more. I came back from the beach with a tan the likes of which I haven't seen since we covered our high-school selves in baby oil because we didn't know any better. Now I do know better, or so you would think. But still, there I was out there sunning my buns. But now I'm home and things should be getting back to normal. But here's the thing, I don't want to lose the tan. I like my newly golden skin. Who knew I could like my knees so much?!?
I'm not willing to go to the tanning bed or even devote a lot of deck time to maintaining said tan so I suppose the healthiest and best way would be for me to visit my local spray-tan salon. Now I will just have to remember to pay attention when it's time to turn. I don't want four "4"s on the front, after all.

Too Hot to Move

2010-06-05T12:20:00.000-04:00

Just got back from vacation. Well, vacation #1. The Northwoods of Wisconsin are really beautiful this time of year. It was 75-80 degrees every day with very little, if any humidity. I looooved it. We fished and hiked and our friends let the kids borrow their paddle boat so we laughed. A lot. And of course we ate. But I was pretty good. I indulged in some cheese and beer but I tried to balance everything out. I had my yogurt for breakfast and had plenty of fruits and vegis and I stuck to MGD 64 for my beer drinking. And we were plenty active so I think I came away with only 2 extra pounds which I'm holding out on because we were in the car for 15 hours yesterday and I think there is some fluid retention going on. It's hard to stay hydrated with a husband that hates the words, "I have to pee."
I've got a two day hiatus before we go on vacation #2 to Myrtle Beach. I'm going to use this weekend to power slam some fresh vegis and all the water I can hold in order to try and flush out some of the damage from Lumberjack Land. Activity will be a little hard though. I bet you didn't know that Kentucky was a tropical location, did you? Well, come hang out here for a few days and you will be a believer. According to my deck thermometer it is 92 degrees with 82% humidity. My poor husband is out mowing the grass right now and he really needs gills instead of lungs. My hound dogs are literally spilled out under the fan in my living room. And my dreams of a hike are gone with the wind. If there was any wind. The good news is that it's too hot to cook or even eat. "So I got that going for me, which is nice."
I'll be glad to get to the beach. Where it still may be hot, but I just don't seem to care that much when I have a frozen concoction in my hand and the ocean breeze blowing over my face.

* Recipe for good for you frozen concoction. (well, at least not tragic for you)
1 frozen banana
1/2 cup coconut water, frozen (not coconut milk!)
1/2 cup fresh fruit of your choice (I like pineapples for a pina colada thing)
1 oz. rum
take it for a spin in the blender and enjoy. If you have a little umbrella and an orange slice for the side, more better

Friday Quickie 5/28

2010-05-28T08:49:00.000-04:00

Today is the last day of school for my babies. I am looking forward to being lazy with them this summer. No schedule - no problem. But that will have to wait a few days. Tomorrow we take off for another torture ride road trip.
We evidently lost our minds during the planning stages. We're driving about 14 hours to our lake house in northern Wisconsin, staying a week, then driving 14 hours home. Then two days later turning around and driving 9 hours to the beach for a week, then 9 hours back.
There is no good way to take a road trip without stopping at a convenience store. You need gas and if you're me, you need to pee. A lot. Which brings us to road trip food. My favorites- Combos, Slim Jims, Snickers, Mt. Dew - are all off the menu this year. Totally not going to do that to myself. So it will be 90 calorie granola bars, turkey jerky, and if I'm really lucky, a York peppermint patty and a diet Mt. Dew for me.
Pray for my road rage.

10 Things I Hate About Summer

2010-05-28T08:42:00.000-04:00

1. The kids are home, which I actually love, but when my husband goes back to work it seriously cuts into my gym time. And if you think that you can get in a good workout with a hula hoop, some hand weights and a treadmill, well, you've clearly never tried to do it to the tune of "Stop it!" & "I'm telling!".

2. Hot dogs. Or more specifically Bratwurst. There is no such thing as a GOOD turkey bratwurst. They are out there, sure, but we're talking about GOOD here. I'm one of those people that is not real big on substitutions. If I can't have exactly what I want, then I'd just as soon have nothing at all.

3. The heat. Oh, God, the heat. I hate it. I hate the humidity. Heat and humidity are not the big girls friend. And let's not even get into what it does to my hair. I'm not one of those blessed with curly hair and I hate it when those girls bitch about how the humidity makes their hair so big. My hair is flat as a flitter and any humidity just plasters it to my head. Not a good look.

4. Teenage girls. Yes, I used to be one and yes, I probably flaunted it. And to be honest, if I had known how annoying it was to thirty-something women I probably would have still done it. But I really hate all of them with their skinny little waists and perky firm boobs. What do they know? Youth really is waisted on the young.

5. The pool. I think that all women, no matter what size, hate bathing suit season. It is such a cliche, but most universal truths usually are. Even though we all have body issues and we know that no body is perfect we all hate putting on that bathing suit and going out among other people. And yes, we really do judge each other. Any one who says otherwise is a big fat bathing suit liar.

6. Cookouts. This goes back to the hot dogs and bratwurst, but it also goes beyond. It seems that every weekend of the summer is filled with someone or another's cookout. Hot dogs, hamburgers, barbecue, potato salad, pie, ice cream. . .

7. Vacation. Sure vacation has its high points. And most vacations are quite enjoyable, else why would we do it. But it is next to impossible to lose weight on vacation. I can almost always manage to maintain, but losing - not so much.

8. Shorts. I don't care what you say. I can not wear shorts. Even when I was younger/thinner I could not pull off shorts. Which is a shame because I actually have pretty long legs, it's just I have never been able to find a pair of shorts that flattered. And don't get me started on capris.

9. Dog hair. I know this has nothing to do with losing weight and the whatnot, but every year at about this time my do decides to shed. I don't know how he is not bald. In the past few days I have vacuumed up enough hair to make a whole other dog.

10. Beer, wine, and margaritas. I actually love those things and that is the problem. To me it is not summer with out hanging out on my back deck with my friends sharing gossip and a glass of good summer wine or beer or margarita or whatever.

Just When I thought I'd Run Out of Ways to Hurt Myself

2010-05-26T12:06:00.000-04:00

So, I have basically managed in just thirty short years to injure myself in a surprising number of ways. I have fallen down more times than I can count, breaking my foot/ankle three times. I've had some amazingly gruesome cuts all received in mind-numbingly dull ways. 13 stitches from cleaning a light fixture, anyone. And the piece de resistance, I am the only person I know who has paper-cut my eyeball. No, you read it right. Paper cut my eyeball. Any time you can make your doctor say, "you did what?" you know you've really done something. I thought I was getting a really cool eye patch, but alas I'm not near cool enough to rock the pirate look.
But even the eye didn't keep me down for long. I was back in the gym the next day. Now, however I have managed to do something that astounds even me. I don't even know what to call such an injury. You know how little kids bump their heads and get what is called a goose egg bump? Well, I have one. On the top of my foot. For real. I could explain, but it's a really long story and I come off not too bright. So we;ll just say that I dropped something large and ridiculous (not ridiculously large, just to be clear) on my foot. Now I can't stand to walk on it and it throbs with my heartbeat as it has swollen to about half again its normal size. I actually have a hump-backed foot. WTH???
I am still able to break out the trusty hula hoop which I have made it up to about 20 minutes on. (did I mention that it's a 5 lb hula hoop) And I can of course work on my arms. So I fully expect to have some rockin' guns by the time my foot heals up. I guess I can look forward to the pool. But I just wanted to state for the record that this SUCKS! I am really the worst patient. Any other time I would scheme for ways to lay around with my feet up. But now, damn it! I hate the ice and the elevation and I hate having to alter my eating plan to account for the lack of calorie burn.
Guess I'll hobble off on vacation. And really, who am I kidding? Like I was going ot do a lot of exercising on vacation. I can still paddle a canoe and cast a fishing pole. All in all it should be a normal vacation.

Royally Ironic

2010-05-24T09:41:00.000-04:00

This post has absolutely nothing to do with weight loss. I just thought this was a funny little ironic twist in the life of Keila and thought to share. Who couldn't use a funny on Monday, right? Allow me to explain. . .
For Christmas last year I decided to research and create my husband's family tree. I'm a huge history buff and even majored in it in college so the research was fun for me. It took me about three months but I finally made it as far back to 1500s Germany (a part of France at the time) and a family with a long history of beer making. No real surprise there. There were even a few shady characters hiding in the leaves of his family tree. You know, the usual horse thief, bigamist, even a crooked politician from Albany, but it was as nothing when I started researching my own tree.
A few years ago my grandfather had done the paternal line of my tree and so I was pretty much halfway there. It was interesting. Two passengers on the Mayflower, a Revolutionary war hero, a real-life character from a Shakespearean play, and even a burned-at-the-stake heretic. Interesting, yes.
Then I started on my mom's side and frankly, I didn't expect to find much more than the usual bits of Scotch-Irish immigrant history typical of our region. Boy was I wrong.
Imagine my surprise when I started to notice something around the middle of the thirteenth century. I started noticing names like De Welles (my great-grandmother was a Wells), and Neville, and De Broas, and what the hell - Plantagenet. Perhaps these name mean nothing to you, but to my history loving heart they meant everything. Could it be? Could I possibly be descended from royalty? My mind was a blur. It must be, I thought. In my head I've always known I was a queen. Ha Ha!
So I did what any sane person would do. I dug further. Drum roll please. . . I am indeed descended from royalty from several different lines, only one of which being legitimate. The really interesting finds are that I am directly descended from a bastard son of King Henry II, one William Longspee (or Longspear) through his infamous mistress Rosamond (or Rosalyn) Clifford. Ooooohhhh, juicy. Wait for it, though, it gets even better.
I am also descended from another son of King Henry II. A certain John Lackland. You may be more familiar with him as King John I. You know, of Robin Hood fame. Brother to King Richard the Lionheart, the evil Prince John and all that. My line of descent to him comes to me courtesy of another Royal bastard. This time his daughter Joanne, who went on the marry the Prince of Wales (its own country at the time).
So there you have it. What started out as my interest in my royal bloodlines has turned into a discovery of ill repute. Some people I suppose would think it was shameful. I myself think it's awesome!!! Just think, I am descended from a long line of cheats, scoundrels, and whores. Turns out the bad attitude is genetic. History has it's use after all.

Hoopin' Happy

2010-05-19T14:53:00.000-04:00

The five pound weighted hula hoop has turned into a bit of an obsessive nightmare. We are in a love/hate relationship right now. I hate to love the hoop and it loves to hate me. Yes, I know that the hoop is an inanimate object, but I assure you the thing has a personality all its own.
When I first started out it was so very hard. I wanted to zig and the hoop wanted to zag. Then I became inspired to turn some music on and just as Shorty got her apple-bottom jeans and those boots with the fur I got my rhythm.
For the past week my hips have shaken more than a little Polynesian girl on crack. The hoop lays in the middle of my living room floor (try explaining that to your in-laws) and calls to me. In just this one week I can feel my core getting stronger. Evidently the hoop works muscles that I didn't know I had. Something else new on the scene is this great looking bruise I have developed over my right hip bone. It's very colorful and shaped like West Virginia. I've hooped through the pain and my fellow hoopers tell me that once this bruise is gone it is unlikely that i will get another unless I move up to a heavier hoop which is also unlikely.
All in all, I give the weighted hula hoop a very big thumbs up. It's low impact, portable (which means I can do it while I watch TV) and it's just a lot of freakin' fun.

Skinny Bitches part 2

2010-05-14T09:47:00.000-04:00

Oh my god, they are everywhere! No matter where I look or which way I turn there is a skinny bitch standing there to try an make me feel bad about myself. Two years ago their arsenal of skinny jeans and teeny bra straps would have sent me sailing straight for the nearest ice cream stand. But not today. Somewhere along the way I have managed to turn all that intimidation into pure unadulterated hatred.
I don't hate all thin women. I even get testy when someone says the oft' repeated "real women have curves" Well, as it happens I know plenty of strong, healthy, beautiful, REAL women who just happen not to have curves. But we are not talking about them.
We are talking about the chain smoking, view from above their noses, red bull & vodka, SKINNY BITCHES.
"I don't know what it is, I can eat all I want to and never gain any weight!" Really? And you felt the need to tell me this why. . .? Oh, yeah - now I see. I'm supposed to verbally acknowledge your physical superiority. Bite me, slim!
And skinny jeans - seriously. Don't even get me started. I recognize that there are many different body types and that not all bodies can wear all fashion. But, come on. The only women that can wear skinny jeans (and look good) are super-model tall and twice as skinny. Out of my large group of friends I can think of only one woman who can authentically rock a pair of skinny jeans.
And speaking of fashion. . .
Raise your hand if you've ever gone shopping and been really excited to run into a sale only to realize that the only size left in the item you want is an XS. Wake up fashion industry and department store buyers! Wouldn't it stand to reason that if you consistently have only XS sizes left over and all the XL and L fly off the shelves before they barely get hung up that maybe, just perhaps, you should order more XL and L and let the XS fend for themselves. They'll be OK - they have skinny jeans.

Hoop Dreams

2010-05-12T15:21:00.002-04:00

Just call me a fool. I bought a hula hoop today. A weighted hula hoop. A 5 pound weighted hoop. Now to get a full and accurate picture of my foolishness you should know that before today I didn't even know how to hula hoop. Hey, don't judge! It's harder than it looks.
So I get the stupid thing back to the safety of my own home only to have my dog look at me in that way that says, "you're kidding me with this, right?" I turned on Rachael Ray and I hooped and I hooped until finally I got a little wiggle in my jiggle and hula-ed my somewhat substantial ass off.
Allegedly, for ever three minutes spent hooping burns 100 calories (give or take based on both the size of the hoop and the weight of the junk in your trunk). This remains to be seen, but I definitely felt like I got a proper abdominal workout.
Plus I have a huge bruise cropping up across my right hip-bone. Five pounds orbiting around my jelly roll is evidently nothing to sneeze at. But hey, what's a little internal bleeding among friends if it can give me abs of steel?

Pounds vs. Inches

2010-05-11T13:27:00.000-04:00

Today was weigh-in day. I've worked really really hard for the past few weeks trying to prepare for this day. Ate all my vegis, drank all my water, did all my exercises (and then some). And for what? That scale is a bitch!
I've actually been feeling pretty good about my body lately. My waist has been way trimmer and my arms, well, lets just say you better get your tickets. Tickets? To the gun show, baby. OK, totally lame, I know. But I've done enough triceps rows and lateral lifts and weighted punches to equal rowing around the world. So shut up!
I even got into those infamous white pants on Mother's Day. I didn't just get into them - I rocked them. They weren't at all tight and they kissed my curves in all the right places.
And, Ta-Da! I had lost almost 6.5 inches (3.5 from my waist) in two months. So, I should be feeling pretty good about myself right now? And I do. But what's the rub?
I had actually GAINED almost one pound in the same time frame. Yes, I know it's just a pound, but still. I'm trying to lose not gain. And yes, I know that the way my clothes fit and how my body looks is WAAAAY more important than any number on a scale. But, Jesus F-ing Chocolate Covered Christ On A Pogo Stick!!! I've worked really hard and I want those numbers going south, damn it.
I guess that short of going on a lettuce and water diet, I'm going to have to get serious here. Maybe a three day cleanse is in order or who knows what. The next weigh in is going to be different if I can help it. I wonder how much hair weighs? I'm due for a hair cut.

All By Myself. . .Don't Wanna Be All By Myself Anymore

2010-05-08T16:58:00.000-04:00

As a stay-at-home mom of two very active and loudly opinionated kids I spend a lot of my time fantasizing about what I would do if I actually had a weekend to myself. No kids, no husband, just me. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my kids (and Hubs too, I guess), but come on. What mom hasn't fantasized about a big ol' bubble bath, some wine, a good book, maybe a girlie movie or some such foolery - and NO ONE to share it with. The problem is, I never really expected to get it.
My kids left yesterday and all I can think about is a quote from Spock (you know, the Vulcan. Star Trek). "Having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. It is highly illogical, but often true." Don't ask me why I know a quote from Star Trek. I don't know. I suspect that Spock actually lifted the quote from someone else. But that's beside the point. The point being that I had built up this dream weekend in my head and the reality just kind of, well. . .sucks.
I spent last night with my best girl friends and it was sooooo much fun. Let me just say that if you have never gotten all dressed up in your fanciest clothes and gone to eat at a truck stop with eight of your best, and similarly dressed, friends - you don;t know the fun you're missing. But after the last friend left my house at midnight last night, and all the wine glasses had made their way to the sink, and all the trash in the cans, I just kind of sighed in boredom. There were no babies to check on, no alarm to set, not even a hubby to snuggle up with.
I decided that I would no waste today. It has been a gift to have this time alone and I am going to use it to my advantage. Sooo, I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish today. Go to gym - check. Wrap mothers day presents - check. Make green bean salad for mothers day cookout - check. Do my extra 30 minutes of cardio - check. Bath the dog - check. Do a load of delicates - check. By this point it was only 1:00. No lie. WTH? Why is it that I can barely get half this stuff done before bedtime when the kids are here?
So I went to WalMart. Big mistake. Huge huge mistake. It is not too far removed from the first of the month and it's the last day before mothers day. Let's just say that the website http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/ is not just a novelty. As with most cliches, there is always truth behind them. I think I saw the third woman down in aisle 3.
So now I'm home. It's still only 5:00. I think I'll see what's on TV and then maybe take that bubble bath that sounded so good previously. I have at least learned something from this whole episode though. You know how you see dogs chasing cars and you wonder what they would do with it if they caught it. I know. Evidently they would do the same thing I have done all day. Stand around scratching their heads going, "Well, hmmph. Now what?"

Friday Quickie 5/7

2010-05-07T07:40:00.000-04:00

Tonight I am going on a mystery date with my friends. There are about 8 of us who have been friends forever and it used to be that we could get together on someone's couch and spend a really fun night. But now we are ALL married and some of us have kids and some of us have jobs and some of us have *gasp* other friends. So now, apparently, we have gotten to the age where we have to have activities to entertain us.
Tonight my BFF and sister-in-law is planning what we will be doing and if any of you knew her you would be nervous too. It could really be anything from going to the zoo to going to a male strip club to attending a murder mystery dinner. I guess the only appropriate attire for all of those venues would be. . .dark sunglasses.
We have now officially become one of those groups of friends you read about in Southern Living magazine who goes on trips together once a year. Next time is my turn and I really want us all to go to Fitness Ridge, but on the other hand I still want them to love me when it's over. So I'm thinking day spa or at least pedicures.

Friday Quickie! 4/30/10

2010-04-30T14:39:00.000-04:00

Der-by! Der-by! Der-by! That's right, sports fans. It's that time of year again. Time for the "most exciting two minutes in sports!" The Kentucky Derby! The first Saturday in May. The Great Kentucky Showcase. Call it what you want. I call it a good damn time.
No, I don't go to The Derby. Kentuckians don't actually go to The Derby, We get all dressed up and have big ol' parties. We wear big hats and drink bourbon without much julep. We bet on our favorite horses, not so much on the odds, as how much we like the name. And we never ever bet on a non-KY horse.
So I got my dress, I got my hat, I got my Woodford, and now I just have one question. If I'm wearing a great big hat does my butt size go down proportionately? Just sayin'. . .

Who knew?!?!?!

2010-04-29T14:39:00.000-04:00

Today was the day I had set aside for gardening and unlike most things on my to-do list, I actually did it. Most things do get done, eventually. But today was gardening day and gardening I did. It felt good.
I like gardening. It is very soothing and relaxing and I am one of those weird people who likes to play in the dirt. The one thing gardening is not, though, is easy. It is wicked hard work.
There's the bending and pulling, the lifting and digging. And the walking and carrying - good grief, the carrying. But when you're all done you have a beautiful lush green garden to enjoy.
We do enjoy it, too. My family and I are lucky enough to live on a lush hillside in Appalachia. We can look off our back deck and see nothing but the tree tops below us. Seriously, when the Air Force does fly-bys (which they do here often) they are BELOW us. The view from the back of my house is amazing and the view from the front is only slightly less spectacular. So I try to plant things that enhance all the green we got going on here. I plant lots of cool colors in the pots on my deck because they complement the shady area. And by the front porch I plant hot pink to accent my front door. Plus, I have ~~a butt load~~ several shrubs and perennials that need fertilized and mulched and tended. This year I also planted a climbing rose on the side of the house that I thought would look charming growing up the side of my brick house.
Gardening is also one of those activities that allows you time to think. Actually hear your own thoughts instead of mentally making a grocery list or listening for the dryer to ding out of one ear. Today, as I was sweating carrying 40lb bags of mulch, I got to thinking about gardening as exercise.
Now normally, I don't count my household activities as exercise. I just consider it part of my lifestyle. But the kind of gardening I was doing today was definitely not part of my day to day activities. So I hit google when I came inside and found out (by averaging the results of several different sites) that I could be burning up to 289 calories an hour. Holy Crap! Seriously? Since I was out there for about 2 1/2 - 3 hours I figure I burned about 723 calories. YIKES!
So now I'm wondering a couple of things. Like, how many other calories do we neglect to realize we're burning? And, do you think any of my neighbors need their spring gardening work done?

Rainy Days and Mondays Always Get Me Down

2010-04-26T09:59:00.001-04:00

Especially when I have stuff to do! To be fair, I usually love the rain. I love the gray skies and the sound that it makes on my window sills. I love how everything seems to be suspended when it rains. I love how everything seems somehow "greener". I imagine what it would be like to live in Ireland.
But, alas, I'm in good ol' KY and I have a ton of stuff to do before the annual 2 week ~~slog-fest~~ road trip with he fam. This year, like every year, we are taking the kids to the lake house in Wisconsin for the week only to turn around and come home and head out to South Carolina two days after we get back. Yes, i know how ridiculous that sounds, and yes, I am a glutton for punishment. But to be honest, the Hubs and I love a road trip. And yes, taking two kids on that many miles can be a bit of a challenge. But we are all about providing them with future fodder with which to complain about us. "Think you've got it bad? My parents once made me and my brother set in the back seat. Together! For 2000 miles. In one summer!" Ahhh, good times.
So, I am looking forward to vacation, always with a wary eye. But for now things have to be done here at Bushwood. BTW, that's what my husband and I have termed our ~~estate~~ little house on the hill. No, we do not think we are that important, but yes, it is from Caddyshack.
Back to the point. I need to plant all my flowers and shrubs and get them well-established before my sister-in-law comes to house sit. She has promised to water said plants but makes no guarantees on the eventual outcome. I, in turn, have promised to bring her back some really good cheese from Wisconsin but make no guarantee about stinkiness of said cheese.
I also need to get my windows washed and the deck power washed. And the basement needs cleaned out and painted. None of this is being helped by this rain that has decided to settle over the Ohio River Valley for the past 5 days.
Oh, and did I mention that I have set the totally unrealistic goal of losing 15 lbs by the end of May. I know it sounds crazy, and it probably is. But I do have some logical thinking behind it. See I have been in a slump for the last two months. That's right, TWO MONTHS! I have gained and lost the same 2-4 pounds over and over again since Valentine's. But, I think that I have finally busted through and if I can get a bit of a jump-start I could actually reach a pretty impressive number by vacation.
That is to say, if I could actually get outside and do something. Yes, I have my videos and my treadmill and my gym. But to me nothing is s substitute for a good old fashioned walk. I try to walk 3-4 miles a day 3 days a week. (Plus my regular gym workouts) and now that it's nice out I've added to that with hikes at our local State Park. Love me some hiking. It makes me feel athletic and outdoors-y.
So I guess I'll just be hitting the gym harder and riding the treadmill a little longer and watching the forecast to see when I can actually emerge from this cave. Dramatic, I know. But you don't understand. It's actually raaaainnninng out there.

Friday Quickie!

2010-04-23T09:50:00.002-04:00

Today is my son, Jakob's, 7th birthday. Jakob is my "baby" and his sister, Kaity, is 10 1/2 (evidently when you're 10 the 1/2 is very important.)
When I was pregnant with Kait I gained -gasp- 70lbs. But when I was pregnant with Jake I only gained 15, due to the fact that I was sick the ENTIRE time.
My point today is this - I don't think I can call it "pregnancy weight" anymore when my "baby" is 7.
CRAP!

Fried Chicken Is Not Considered a Quality Source of Protein?

2010-04-22T10:48:00.000-04:00

This is not secret as I think I have mentioned it before. I live in the South. Specifically, Kentucky. And unfortunately most (though certainly not all) of the things you think about when you think "South" are rooted in the truth.
Yes, we say things like "y'all" and "fixin' to". Yes, we love us some big ol' hair. You know, the higher the hair, the closer to Jesus. (by the way that's Jesus with a Y - 'Jay-sus') And besides, the bigger your hair is the smaller your butt looks. Trust us, we know. We still say things like "yes, ma'am" and "no, sir" and "please" and "thank you" and no one thinks you're being excessively polite - except Yankees. On the other hand Southerners have perfected the art of the fake polite. You see when a Southern woman dislikes you, you may never know it until it's too late. We'll slop sugar all over you and say things like "How's your momma been doin'?" or "those are just the cutest shoes!" These things are code for "I've got my eye on you, so don't be trying anything". But when you get the ol' "Well, bless your heart.", especially if it comes with a head tilt - It's too late. The best thing to do is politely excuse yourself and seek cover. That woman surely hates you.
That's not to say that all southern women are just a big ol' bunch of bitches, but we can certainly hold our own. No, in fact, you will never have a truer friend. When your husband has to work away for a while don't be surprised if your yard just magically gets mowed. When your hound dog gets loose, don't worry. Someone will recognize the mutt and send him home. And if someone that you're even vaguely related to should have the misfortune of dying - expect a casserole promptly at dinner time. Which brings me to my point. Food.
Yes, when you thing Southern you think food. No one ever said, "Ummm, going up North to get me some of that good Northern food." That's ridiculous. The South is famous for it's food the world over and so much of our traditions are steeped in food and/or the preparation of it. You've got tailgating and crawfish boils, church suppers and fried chicken, homemade biscuits and sweet tea, bar-b-que and bourbon,iron skillets and julep cups, cornbread stuffing and Sunday at Mamaws. And Bob knows that there ain't nobody can cook like a Southern Mamaw.
My Mamaw Carolyn could whip up the fluffiest melt-in-your mouth biscuits. Ummmm. Biscuits just ain't been the same since she passed. And you cannot convince a Southern Mamaw that you've had enough to eat.
"No thanks, Mamaw. I believe I'm full."
"La, you didn't hardly eat enough to fill up a bird. Come on now and try some of this. This'll fill you up."
And it's your mamaw and you wouldn't dream of talking back to your mamaw. That's just sass.
So what do you do? How is a person supposed to lose weight when so much of our lives are tied up in food. It's easy for someone to say that you just need to focus on activies where food is not the main attraction. But that's just not the way of life around here. And it's not fair to me, or to my family and friends to exclude myself from situations where I know that I'll be tempted. I just need to have a little stronger will power. Make better choices. Realize that yes, I can have a piece of fried chicken, but only one, and no dessert. Or if I want dessert, then I will have just a bite, and no more. That's really what I'm after anyways. The taste. And wouldn't I rather have a 64 calorie beer when I tailgate than to have no beer at all?
So I guess what I'm saying is that life's all about compromises, y'all. You can have you a biscuit as long as you're fixin' to hit the gym afterwards. And certainly having your hair jacked to Jesus is no harm to nobody. And by all means have you a piece of that peach pie, but now don't you be eyeballin' that pecan pie. BTW a crawfish boil is, funnily enough, one southern tradition NOT steeped in fat and calories. It consists of boiling a big bunch of potatoes and corn and smoked sausage. Then boiling the crawfish (or shrimp if you prefer) in a bunch of spices. Then dump it all out on newspaper and enjoy. As long as you avoid too much of the sausage - Laissez les bons temps rouler!

Maybe Baby???

2010-04-20T12:04:00.000-04:00

No, don't pass out. I said that I was not having any more children and I meant it. The two I have, the wonderful little weirdos, are quite enough - thank you very much. No, I was actually thinking of starting my own from-home business. BabyCakes Custom Cupcakes. Whadaya think?
Yes, I know cupcakes are not by any stretch of the imagination diet food. But I'm not on a diet, anyways. And as far as I'm concerned a cupcake free existance is not a life I'm willing to contemplate. Woman cannot live by lettuce alone! Believe me, I've tried.
Now, hear me out. I want to use all natural and organic ingredients and show that while cupcakes may never be called health food, they don't have to be toxic either. No one should feel guilty about eating a sweet every now and then. After all, kids aren't going to quite having birthday parties, graduations,and school parties. And unfortunately well-meaning friends of brides and new moms are not going to stop throwing showers. I do hate a shower, but that's another story. Suffice it to say that I am all for celebrating milestones, but I will buy you a much nicer gift if I don't have to guess the new babies name and drink flat punch from a paper cup. Just sayin'
So my new business would consist of custom cupcake orders. People could pick them up at my house, meet me in town, or I would even be willing to deliver them to local schools and/or businesses. I don't like to brag, but I can make a cupcake taste or look like just about anything. I can make the cutest baby shower cupcakes that look like a big nursery full of sleeping babies - ironic, I know. I have versions for every major holiday. And if you have a favorite flavor, I can do that too. A particular favorite is mint julep. Another is root beer float. Just think of the possibilities.
And as for killing my weight loss goals. I don't think so. I'm one of those people that can't look at something the same way after I've worked with it. I once worked at Fazolli's Italian Restaraunt. Yum!, right. Well, it was my job to make the breadsticks. Their famous garlic butter breadsticks. I don't think I have to tell you that it didn't take me very long to become heartily sick of breadsticks. I still can't eat them.
That's not to say that I'm likely to forever swear off cupcakes. It's just that if I am going to spend all day making 3 dozen basketball cupcakes for a local team, I'm not going to be likely to nosh on them.
I'm still not sure. But after much consideration, I think I'm gonna go for it. It has very little investment, virtually no overhead, and it's something that I'm not only good at, but that I actually enjoy.
I'll offer more info as it comes. For now keep your eyes peeled for BabyCakes!

Alive and Kickin'

2010-04-12T21:01:00.000-04:00

I'm back, for those that care. And well, those that don't can go to hell. (RIP Dixie Carter). I took a little break from the blog because, well, I wanted to. No I did not take a break from my eating or exercise plans. But I might as well have for all the good it did me. Or didn't do, as the case would be.
Anyways, the long and the short of it is this. I just today broke through a 5 week (no shit- 5 week) plateau. I think 5 weeks counts more as a stall out and I think my trainer kind of did too, 'cause she suggested I get my thyroid checked. And maybe I will, but just not right now. I lost weight this week, bitches, so suck it, thyroid!
It's really amazing when you think about it, that after a weekend such as I just had that any weight at all was lost. I spent the past month tracking what I was eating like a mad person and doubling up on exercise just to see the scale mock me. Finally I get fed up and say F it and go on a weekend pleasure spree at the horse track and, Voila - plateau busted. Maybe that's what my metabolism needed all along. A swift kick in the arse.
Also said weekend has left me with a severe sunburn and a stuffy nose from what the "bubble-headed bleach blond that comes on at 5" tells me is a record breaking year for tree pollen. How very helpful. But whatever. Not gonna slow me down.
I have a Northwoods lakehouse vacation coming up in 6 weeks, followed by a week at the beach with my babies. Then later in the summer Hubby and I will be taking a second honeymoon to mark our 10th wedding anniversary. So, you see, I need to be in shape.
Last summer I had a bit of a problem staying on track. As this summer looms ahead I am determined not to let that happen again. I am going to come up with some sort of plan and - here's where the details get a little sketchy - I'm gonna stick to it. No, seriously!
Hubby has promised me a shopping trip worthy of Clinton Kelly if I can get to my goal weight and I intend to take him up on it. He's gonna be SORRY. he he he. (you can't see me, but I am greedily rubbing my hands together, while practicing my evil smirk)
Oh, and UPDATE! I killed two birds with one stone. I kicked my magazine habit and with the money I'm saving I hired a cleaning lady. I love her! She only comes once every two weeks, but man! She gets more done on that day than I manage to do the other 13. Girl is good!
So, there you have it. Nothing terribly witty or earth-shattering or even very ironic today. Just back in the groove and feeling pretty good.

Things That Never Were, and Never Will Be

2010-03-10T10:15:00.000-05:00

Recently I wrote about how being bigger kept me from doing things that I really wanted to do. I was so ashamed of being fat that I wouldn't let myself have fun. I am trying to overcome that and am accomplishing it, to varying degrees of success. What I have learned, though, is that there is a flip side to this.
So many of us have the mindset that "things will be better when". You know, when we get married, when we have a baby, when I have more money, or in my case- when I am skinny. Well, I have recently come to the conclusion that I will never be skinny. And shockingly enough, it's OK. Even if I were things would not magically become "better" and I don't know why I thought they would. The realization is strangely freeing.
This has led me to think of other things that I have always wanted. Things that I never had any chance of getting. Things that I was too focused on having that I lost sight of the things in my life that are truly worthy of my time.

I will never be a Rock Star. I know you're shocked, but seriously. I have spent an embarrasing amount of time thinking that I was cheated of my destiny by not being able to sing. I can't even bellow. Truly. Which is tragic considering that I am an afficianado of Rock and Roll. Unfortunately, being thinner will not magically transform my vocal cords into sounding like Anne Wilson.
Being thinner will not make me a better mother. This one's tricky because while it is true that being in better health will allow me to have more energy to spend on my family, it does not guarantee that I will like it. Now please, don't get me wrong, I love my kids more than anything in this world. But being skinny is not going to make me like the school fund-raiser any better. I'm just not that kind of mini-van driving, PTA volunteering, T-ball practice carpooling, kind of mom. Thank Bob for those moms. But I'm more of a social-commentating, tree-hugging, be sure to read your banned books, kind of mom. Being skinny ain't going to change that. I'll just look better in the "Kill Whitey" T shirt.
I will never ever ever like exercise. I used to think that I didn't enjoy exercise because I was fat. I now know that I do not like exercise because it sucks. I still look in wonder at those fit and fabulous women who get off on the exercise endorphans and seem to glow rather than sweat. And it is true that I always feel better after I exercise. But I also always feel better after an ice cream sundae, so I'm thinking that's not the best argument for me. I exercise because my body needs it just like oxygen and broccoli and smutty paperbacks.
I am never going to be neat. Not neat as in cool. Neat as in well organized and clean. I am basically a clean person. I don't like dirty dishes or clothes laying around. I vacume regularly because I don't like dog hair all over everything. And I make my kids keep their rooms and play room clean because, frankly, no one ever made me do that and that's how I got this way. What I am not, is organized. I am a magazine junkie and I have them in every room of the house. I read like a fiend all different types of books and all of those tomes, combined with those of my husband and kids, combine to form a library that would make an old school librarian blush. Being thin is certainly not going to change any of that. If only.
I will never climb Mt. Everest. Mostly for the simple fact that I don't want to, but that's hardly the point. I always thought that when I lost weight I would want to go on all of these adventures. And I still do. I just no longer feel like I have to prove anything to anyone. I don't need the status of climbing a mountain or hiking the full length of the Appalachian Trail. What I would like to do is do a couple of day hikes and still have enough energy to enjoy the spa back at the hotel. I want to go to Ireland and be able to enjoy Dublin and the Irish countryside with out feeling like I need a vacation from my vacation. And I want to. . .well, there's lots of things I want to do, but I won't neccessarily be waiting until I lose weight to do them. I'm alive now and I intend to live while I can.

So there you go. those are the things that I will never be or have or do. And because I have let go of those unrealistic goals I have been able to spend more time focusing on the things that I can have. I will be planning a vacation to the beach this summer with my kids where I will be wearing a bathing suit, not without some apprehension, but still. I will be playing a lot of Beatles Rock Band in the comfort of my own living room. Afterall, if I can't play the drums at least as well as Ringo, then i shouldn't be allowed to have Rock and Roll Dreams. And I even think that, if I can finagle the budget around just a bit, I will be hiring that cleaning lady.
Hey, don't judge me. Those that can't cook eat out. Those that can't clean hire a cleaning lady. And the best part is that I can trudge to the gym and when I get back my house will be neat.

Valerie Bertinelli Kicked My Ass

2010-02-28T16:12:00.000-05:00

To be fair it was actually her personal trainer, Christopher Ross Lane who performed said ass-kicking via Val's new much anticipated workout DVD Valerie Bertinelli Losing It and Keeping Fit.
I'm not a huge fan of workout DVDs, namely because anything that is too convenient for me is not a great idea. I tend to be an excuse maker. If I don't get up and go to the gym first thing in the morning, then it's highly likely, if not probable, that I am not going to do any kind of workout that day. That being said I do have one walking DVD that I am quite fond of, and of course there's always the old Wii Fit, both of which are handy on snow days and such.
And I will admit to having something of a girl-crush on Valerie Bertinelli ever since she became the Jenny Craig spokesperson. I enjoyed watching her lose the weight and even though she and I had nothing in common (age, body-type, family situation, lifestyle, or income) and I certainly had no intention of joining Jenny Craig. Still I secretly coveted all things Valerie - Eddie VanHalen not withstanding.
So I was overjoyed when she came out with the DVD. I wanted to splash backwards into a pool in my blue bikini, too! I of course pre-ordered on Amazon and counted down the days untill brown brought it to me.
I liked that there were two fitness levels. Level 1, 20 minutes and level 2, 40 minutes. Heck, I'd been working out and was in relatively good shape. I was strong. I should just jump right to the level 2. My super smart husband reminded me that since this DVD was new and I knew nothing about it, I should at least start on level 1 and go from there. Fine, I thought, I'll humor him.
OK, nobody tell him this, but he was totally right. The 20 minute workout wasn't too intense, by any means, but it was definately nothing to sniff at. I decided to do it for a few days before moving on to the 40 minute workout. That day came two days ago.
I got up, got my workout pants on - the Nike spandex ones that my mamaw got me as a well-meaning Christmas gift, but that I refuse to wear outside of this house - had my smoothie, took my vitamins, and fired up the old Panasonic.
Holy Crap. There was Val, in all her pony-tailed cuteness. And there was Christopher, looking like nothing so much as a more gay, more buff version of Ashley Wilkes (I'm not kidding, and once you get that image in your mind, well, good luck) But Ashley was never so sadistic, or Miss Melly knew something we didn't. Anyways, I could tell right away that this workout would be different. I swear to you the music was ominous and Val had a nervous look on her face that said that she, like Miss Melly, knew what was up.
I won't go into any details, because to be honest there was nothing new here. There were a lot of squats and lunges and crunches and the such, but when it was over I could barely haul my sorry ass up off the floor. And there were definately cardiac benefits because my heart was racing and there was enough sweat dripping off my to float a boat.
The real test came the next morning though. When I woke up, I noticed that I was a bit sore, but no biggie. Wrong. I went in to set on the toilet, like I do first thing every morning, and Jeez-O-Peet. My legs and thighs and ass muscles were positively screaming. SCREAMING! Everytime I got up or sat down for the rest of the day was excrutiating. I swear to you that I "held it" for close to five hours because I didn't want to go set on the toilet again. The next day was only marginally better. The only exercise I could do for the next two days was walk on the hated treadmill, which for once I was pleased to do because - you know - I couldn't set much. So I got in almost 10 miles over two and a half days and am looking forward to going back to gym tomorrow.
The verdict is that Val didn't get that body from nothing. If Christopher was her trainer then she definately earned it. And while I still have my pool-splashing bikini dreams, I think I'll have to think twice before I do that level 2 workout again. I'll get there, but Holy Crap, I'm gonna have to work back up to it.

Viva La Revolution!!!

2010-02-21T14:40:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of the Olympics, which frankly I am adicted to, we are going international. I like watching sports where the athletes have to consume massive amounts of calories a day just to stay in training. Like cross country skiing. 12,000 calories a day. Seriously. I need a job like that. "The Swiss are looking strong, time for another doughnut, get some more ski time." I think I could handle that. Eat, ski, eat, ski, ski, ski, eat, sleep. OK, I might not be competitive, or even very good. But I think I could eat like I was. Oh, wait, I already did that.
Anyway, I read something the other day that vaguely has something to do with international eating, but admitedly nothing to do with the Olympics. This study compared the way French women and American women eat. I, for one, would love to know how they manage to eat all those creamy sauces and delicious pastries and still look fashionably slender. I know that if I ran into a French woman on the street she would think I was fat and I would think she was a bitch and we would probably both be right. Still, there must be something she could teach me. Just like there are things I could teach her. Like Jerry Lewis isn't really that funny and horizontal sailor stripes do not, in fact, look good on everyone.
The study started out with the two groups of women being given identical, but massive, amounts of food. Each group was told that they could eat as much as they wanted to. To eat until they were "satisfied". Not surprisingly, the American women ate way more than the French.
The reason - surprisingly simple. When asked how each woman judged whether or not they were satisfied the American women responded that they ate until they were "full". The French women responded that they ate until they "weren't hungry anymore".
Not hungry anymore? Are you kidding me? It's really that simple? Well, it must be because Dior doesn't make stretch pants.
So the trick is being able to know when you're not hungry anymore. It's easy to know when you're full. God knows I've felt that belt-loosening, lethargy set in often enough after a big meal. It's America after all. If something is tasty, well, then Super-Size it. And we've all been taught to clean our plates. And how often have we made fun of the devastatingly small portions of French cuisine? Who knew?
I know it's easier said than done, like most things in life. But I'm all for a plan that allows me to eat anything I want. Eat away - just stop when you're not hungry anymore. Hmmm. I don't know how well it'll go, but I'm going to give it a whirl. For the next week I'm going to revel in food. I'm going ot cook my favorite dishes. Even dessert. I'm going to eat whatever I want, deny myself nothing, stopping when I am not hungry anymore. It's a risky little game, but I'm up for the challenge.
It's definately weird to be trying to lose weight and talking about eating what I want. Sort of like being concerned with fuel efficiency and buying an SUV. But, as I've said before I'm not interested in a "diet" so much as a new lifestyle. I have had success so far, but I'm always interested in aomething new. Especially as it pertains to eating more sweets.
Now wax up the skis and snap on your ski boots. There's been a lot of snow of late here in the hills of Eastern Kentucky and I've got to work up a hunger. I can totally do it.

Everyday Should Be Christina Hendricks Day

2010-02-19T17:22:00.001-05:00

From one of my favorite bloggers over at 43-Ideas-Per-Minute.
Everyday Should Be Christina Hendricks Day

FOOD, INC. (why everyone who eats should see this film)

2010-02-19T11:23:00.000-05:00

"Oh, the cow in the meadow goes 'MOO'
Oh, the cow in the meadow goes 'MOO'
'till the farmer hits it on the head with a hammer
and that's how we get hamburger."

Oh, if only that's how we got hamburger. That's a line from a song sung on an episode of Friends by the quasi-hippy Phoebe, played by Lisa Kudrow. In the show Phoebe has been hired to sing songs to kids at story time at a library. All the parents are, of course, upset by her songs lyrics. But the kids love her and seek her out at her coffee shop hang out, dubbing her, "the lady who tells the truth."
Turns out though that Phoebe's hammer - to - head hitting method of getting hamburger is just wishful thinking. We all know, of course, that hamburger comes from cows. That's just elementary. But did you know that that hamburger you're eating could contain meat from hundreds or even thousands of cows? It's true.
And did you know that McDonald's is the countries largest purchaser of beef? And potatoes? And pork? And even one of the largest purchasers of apples? Also true. And by being the largest consumer of these goods, McDonald's in effect controls the way that cows and pigs and chickens (had an Egg McMuffin, lately?) are raised and the way potatoes and apples are grown.
I learned all of this from the jaw dropping documentary FOOD, INC., a Robert Kenner Film. This isn't one of those boring, over-hyper narrator, documentaries from high school about how many days it takes a chicken egg to grow into a chicken. It's more like an investigative journalism film about how farmers are being controlled by mafia-like big business. Did you know that the average chicken farmer has had to take out oans of $30,000+ to build each chicken house? (Most have more than 3 chicken houses.) Yet, that same farmer makes less than $17,000/year. And those same chicken houses are controlled by the companies that buy his chickens and/or eggs. Farmer John has to do things the way Big Brother tells him or else they won't buy his product. Considering that in this case there is really only two chicken companies that matter - Tyson and Purdue, if Farmer John doesn't cooperate he's pretty much up to his neck in a bunch of chicken waste. And as my grandpappy always said, "You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit."
I won't even mention the conditions that these chickens, pigs, and cows live in. I'm not exactly a bleeding heart. And I'm certainly no vegitarian. I like a big juicy steak just like the next guy. But when I see pictures of these factory farms where cows are standing knee-deep in their own manure for 90% of their lives, well, it makes me want to reconsider how much I'm willing to pay for my steak.
Did you know that beef is so cheap because McDonald's says so. That's right. McDonald's again. Because Americans want their dollar menu, McDonalds dictates how much it's willing to pay for beef. And since they are the countries largest buyer of beef their word is pretty much law. And since their are only so many ways to cut corners when raising and actual living breathing animal, farmers are forced to feed their beef cows corn - a grain that cows aren't even equipped to digest. Therefore, farmers are also forced to feed their cows large numbers of antibiotics and artificial growth hormones just to keep up with the demand at the price that McDonalds dictates. That's why that hamburger that you just bought at the grocery store was only $1.99/pound. Good deal, no?
I could go on and on about this subject, but I won't. Obviously I believe that there needs to be better laws in this counrty to ensure that people can afford to buy good healthy food. I don't understand why people will organize marches and protests to complain about having to pay for health care all the while embracing their Dollar Menu Double Cheeseburger like it was a life raft.
And before it starts, let me just say - I get it. I do. I'm a mother. I know how hard it is to feed a family, how expensive it can be. But isn't it worth it to spend a little more money at the grocery store than spend exponentially more money on medications to treat preventable diseases like diabetes and heart disease? So for my part, my family will now be spending more money for grass-fed beef and organic local-raised eggs and organic in-season produce, even if it means going meatless a few nights a week. I don't think it will be that difficult. And I think that if we all were smarter consumers then more of these products would be available at out local grocery stores, not just Whole Foods.
Go to the farmers market where a farmer keeps 80-90% of every dollar spent there. (poverty among farmers is more than double that of all other employees) Know where your food comes from. . . and BUY LOCAL! ( the average meal travels over 1,500 miles from the "farm" to your plate.) And buy organic whenever you can, even if it costs a little more. I promise it makes a difference. (70% of all antibiotics used in the US are given to farm animals. and according to the EPA, over 1 billion pounds of pesticides are used each year in the US)
And last, but not least watch FOOD, INC. for more. Like Upton Sinclair's The Jungle, I believe FOOD, INC. has the power to change the way Americans eat. Visit http://www.foodincmovie.com/ to find out more. If you want to do more go to www.takepart.com/foodinc .

The Shame Monster

2010-02-16T15:24:00.000-05:00

I was just watching Dr. Oz and he was celebrating his 100th episode with people who have lost over 100 lbs. Great. I'm all about the inspiration, not to mention how desperately in need of it I am right now. So here was this lovely woman who had lost a jaw-dropping 195 lbs. The old fashioned, diet and exercise way. No surgery. And I was thinking, "Great! She must have some really great tips." and she did but that's not what struck me most about what she had to say.
She and Dr. Oz spent a lot of time talking about how when she was bigger she used to avoid things. She said that she would keep herself back from activities that she and her husband both enjoyed because she was ashamed of how she looked and she didn't want to embarrass her husband for having a fat wife. And she looked so sad when she talked about all the things that she had missed out on. My first thought was, "How ridiculous!" and my second thought was, "Hey, wait a minute. I do that. Crap!"
Then I got to thinking about all the times I have given less than my all because of my size. And not necessarily the physical limitations of being over-weight. I was thinking more about the times that I have been too embarrassed by my appearance to do something. Anything.
Turns out there were too many to count. For example, my husband and I have always wanted to go white water rafting. But I have been too embarressed to put on shorts in front of a large group of people. Especially people that I don't know. Forget about a bathing suit. And what if I went in the water and couldn't haul my fat ass back up in the raft? Then there are all the opportunities that I have passed up to travel different places because I am mortified of flying. Not for the normal reasons. I know that it is one of the safest forms of travel out there. No, what I'm scared of is the looks of the other passengers. Like, "holy crap. I hope Fatty doesn't set by me." It's horrible to even contemplate. Not to mention that I avoid, like the plague, any occasion where I would have to eat in front of other people. I feel like no matter waht is on my plate that people are judging me.
I know I can't be the only one who feels or has felt this way. If I was then Dr. Oz wouldn't be doing a show on it. So why do we do this to ourselves. Why do we engage in thoughts and activities that we know are destructive? I know that I am being ridiculous even as I'm doing it. My husband has never in word or action indicated that he is in any way ashamed of me. Just the opposite, as a matter of fact.
The more I thought about this subject, the better I felt about it - ironically. Normally I would slide down a shame spiral until all that was left for me was a comfy pair of stretch pants. But, funnily enough, I actually feel pretty good about myself right now. I recognized that that was the way I felt. Past tense. I try not to feel that way much anymore. Sure it creeps up now and then, but not nearly as often. Recently I even bought a very hot, hot, hot dress for a friends wedding. It was somewhat form fitting and bright purple. Something I would never have dreamed of wearing forty pounds ago, much less feeling comfortable in it. And what's more, if I do say so myself, I looked SMOKIN' hot in it. And you know what? I had a great time at that wedding. My husband and I danced and I ate and we had a blast.
So- lesson learned. The shame stops here. From now on when shame creeps in I'm going to instead focus on what I have to be proud of. I have accomplished a lot of things during this journey. Like losing forty pounds, and being stronger than I ever have been before, and having more energy for my kids and husband, and having healthier physicals than I've ever had before. So what if I was over weight before. So what if I still am. I'm working on it, aren't I? I'm not just setting there feeling sorry for myself, am I? No! Nor will I.
I figure in this life we all things that we may be ashamed of now and then. Who doesn't? But from now on, you aren't going to catch me setting around feeling sorry for myself. No, ma'am. My time is to valuable for that. Besides, I have to work on my upper-body strength. My big ass is going white-water rafting this summer. Look out!

Sweets For Your Sweet (or yourself. it's nobody's damn business anyway!)

2010-02-09T18:46:00.000-05:00

Valentine's Day is right around the corner and I know I should hate this the most Hallmark-yest of all Hallmark holidays, but, damn it, I just can't help myself. I love the little folded Valentine's cards that my kids place in their classmate's little decorated shoe boxes. And I love that my husband will give me a card and some small trinket and not expect anything in return (although I always cook him his favorite meal) because he says it's a "girly holiday". But most of all, I love those little candy hearts with the messages on them. You know - "be mine", "luv u", and even a few modern ones like, "email me". I love it.
So in the spirit of the little cupid, I thought I would share a recipe for a Valentine's Day dessert that will not leave you feeling like you swilled a whole box of Godivas.
This recipe works with any flavor cake mix or diet pop. Just don't use the kind with the pudding in the mix. You can also make this in a sheet pan, but what's the fun in that?

For Goodness Cakes

1 box chocolate cake mix
2 egg whites
1 can diet cherry Dr. Pepper
Sugar Free Cool Whip
Maraschino cherries, stems on

Pre-heat oven to 350. Prepare muffin tins with cupcake papers for 24 cupcakes.
Mix together first 3 ingredients. Spoon evenly into muffin cups. About 2/3 full.
Bake until toothpick test comes out clear. Usually about 17-20 minutes.
Let cool. Remove from tins to tray.
"Frost" each one with Cool Whip and place one cherry on top of each.
Cover any uneaten cakes and put on top rack of refrigerator.

I'm not sure of the nutritional info on these because of differences in cake mix brands, but I do know that each cupcake is generally considered to be 3 Weight Watchers point.

Eat This. . . am I being PUNKED?

2010-02-02T08:41:00.000-05:00

For a while now I have been a fan of the Eat This, Not That series of books by David Zinczenco. I love when he's on the Today show stumping the ancors. And I love it when he brings props like this deep fried mozzerella stick has as much fat as a stick of butter or that small order of fast food fries has as much sodium as a whole box of slatines. But now they've come out with a newbie, and I must say it's my favorite. Cook This, Not That. It offers tasty recipes you can cook at home to cure your cravings for high fat and calorie restaraunt foods.
See I'm one of these people that doesn't do well with deprivation. I try to stay positive and focus on what I can have and how healthy my body is, but all I can do is zero in on all the things that I can't have. I have dreams of greasy pizza, and heaping plates of pasta, and full fat ice cream. And I don't even particularily care for ice cream in the regular order of things. So when a book comes out (with big glossy pictures, I might add) that compares different foods, I'm always crazily surprised.
For instance, on page 276 there is a recipe for Chicken Parmesan for 340 calories and 11g of fat. Are you kidding me? 340 calories! And as a bonus it rings across the checkout counter as $3.79/ serving. Crazy!
On the flip-side you could go to Romano's Macaroni Grill and order their Chicken Parmigiana for $13.25 and a whopping 850 calories. Now, I'm sure there are healthier options at Macaroni Grill, but come on.
Another thing about me is that I am a big weekend breakfast person. I like something sweet and starchy. And I even have a favorite. Big shout out to The Freight House in beautiful Phillips, Wisconsin. These people make the absolute best French Toast on the face of the planet. They bake their own bread and they slice it thick. I kid you not, it is like there was never French Toast before the Freight House. They are a mom and pop operation and they don't exactly offer nutritional information but I could immagine. Thought I'd rather not.
Luckily, I only vacation in Phillips, so I can't have their French Toast every Sunday. But there are other options. Aren't there always?
Cook This, Not That offers an alternative. They have a recipe for French Toast with Vanilla Bourbon Sauce and Carmelized Bananas. No, I'm not making this up. I have made it and it is unbelievably good. I'm talking eyes rolling back in your head, tounge lolling out the side of your mouth good. And, drumroll please, it's only 490 calories and 18g of fat. Yes, I know that's still a lot. But we're talking special occasion Sunday brunch here. Definately not every day. As much as I love it, I've only made it once in two months. And compare it to Bob Evans Stacked & Stuffed Caramel Banana Pecan Hotcakes for 1,493 calories and 70g of fat and we're taling a caloric bargain here.
There are even delicious dessert recipies that manage to satidfy even my wicked big sweet tooth. Right now I'm liking the Crispy Apple Turnover which uses puff pastry and clocks in at 200 calories each and 8g of fat. Seriously - a 200 calorie dessert that doesn't taste like artificially sweetened air. The book compares it to the Cheesecake Factory's Warm Apple Crisp. While I have never actually had this dessert, I have set at the same table as someone who has and the smell alone is intoxicating. YUM. However, had I known (and I feel pretty secure speaking on the eaters behalf) what the damage was I would have run as fast as I could in the opposite direction. Are you ready? 1,355 calories and 28g of saturated fat. Seriously. That is almost a full days worth of calories for me. For dessert. That is crazy.
After reading all these books it is not hard to understand why Americans are so overweight. Calories and fat are insane and portions are out of control. These simple substitutions offer easy solutions without leaving you feeling deprived of anything. Perfect for people like me who grudge all those skinny bitches out there who chant gleefully, "Oh I can just eat anything I want. I guess I just have a naturally high metabolism." every Carl's Jr Thick Burger they consume.
And by the way, I don't by that naturally high metabolism bull shit for a minute. Tell the truth, you skinny bitches. We know its cigarettes and Red Bull. Naturally high metabolism, my ass.

Why It's OK to Bend So You Don't Break

2010-01-26T16:46:00.000-05:00

I did it. I held out for as long as I could. But I just couldn't stay arrow straight anymore. Anyone who has read my blog for more than, say, a minute knows that I have a serious sweet tooth. Like crack addict with some serious DTs sweet tooth. And for about the past two weeks I've had some serious cravings.
At first I thought it was just some PMS hormonal thing and I fed it with 90 calorie granola bars. Good but not great. TOM (time of month) came and went and I had eaten and worked off a whole box of granola bars along with a couple of scoops of fat free sugar free ice cream. Which by the way is not quite tate free, but it's close. And I broke down and had a weight watchers snack cake which was like a semi-chocolate flavored air puff. Nasty.
So today when I was setting here trying to decide what I could smear on a whole wheat tortilla that would be sweet and still not break the bank, so to speak. That's when it hit me. I could either eat my weight in substitutes or I could just break down and feed my body what it had been craving. So I went against everything I have worked so hard for and made a batch of no-bake cookies.
It hit the spot.
Oh, how it hit the spot. I forced myself not to sample while I was making them. I wanted to savor and enjoy them. They finally were ready and I set down with two of them and a big ol' glass of almond milk, which I have come ot like more than the moo kind, and Oprah.
And you know what? I didn't feel a bit guilty. Strange? I don't think so. See, I felt way guiltier eating all those chemically processed nothing foods than I did eating these two little full fat, full sugar treats. And believe it or not, I was completely satified after I was done. Nothing was triggered. Crazy!
So, I'm done with the substitutes. If I want something, I'm gonna have it. Just a bit. And that will, hopefully, make all the difference.
So there you go, blogosphere. I'm fat as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!

Woe is NOT Me!

2010-01-15T09:30:00.000-05:00

Enough feeling sorry for myself. I had a little bit of a pitty party last night. Why can I not lose those four pesky pounds that are keeping me from being below 200 lbs.? There are lots of reasons why I may not be able to lose them, but I have decided not to be so concerned about those reasons. No, I'm not repressing anything. Nothing as Dr. Phil as that. I am simply deciding to focus on the solution rather than the problem.
So what is the solution?
The problem is four pounds. Four little measley pounds. Four pounds are not going to totally derail everything I've accomplished so far. I have a long term goal and a plan to reach it, but what I need now is a short term goal and a plan to reach that.
So here goes. Goal - to lose 4 pounds in two weeks. Plan - gym 4X/ week, 30 minutes heart pumping cardio everyday, 1200 calories/ day, 100+ oz. water/ day, two extra high-intensity classes at gym/ week.
You amy be saying that four pounds in two weeks would be a completely reasonable goal and anybody with even a tiny bit of sense ought to be able to accomplish. Well, true. But it would seem that over the past few weeks I have lost even the tiny bit bit of sense I had. Slowly it is coming back. Slowly, Oh, so slowly.
There it is. In writing. A plan. To follow. We'll see.

What the Hell is Wrong With Me?

2010-01-14T18:50:00.000-05:00

I have spent the last couple of months trying to maintain my weight - to varying degrees of success. I've finally lost the few (OK, four) pounds I gained over the holidays, but I'm not about to start bitching about that again. Instead I'm going to start bitching about something completely different.
The thing is I've spent so much time maintaining that I can't get back in the groove of losing. At least I thought that was the problem. The thing is, I'm starting to think that that's not it. I think something else may be the culprit. And I think the something else may be me. Now, I try not to take responsibility for much. (wink wink) but I'm thinking this really might be my fault. What I can't figure out is why.
Why don't I want to lose this weight? I've been 204 for the longest time. All I want to do is get below 200 right now and I was actually doing pretty good. So why the stall? And, seriously, I know all about plataus and how it's completely normal. This just doesn't feel like a normal platau. Lord knows I've had enough of those. I'm thinking maybe I'm keeping myself from losing those four pounds.
I read somewhere that you have to give yourself permission to live the life you want. Very Oprah-y, I know. But, what if there's something to all this? What if I really am scared of losing the weight? What is to be scared of?
Well, after giving it some deep bubble-bath induced thought, turns out there is quite a bit to be scared of. I decided to start at the beginning. As in, when was the last time I was under 200 large? Fire up the WayBack Machine for this one, it's been a while. Over 10 years to be exact. When I was a 20 year old college student who just found out she was pregnant. Naturally you gain weight when your pregnant, but it wasn't just the pregnancy that packed on my pounds. When I decided to keep my baby it brought about some - let's say - familial difficulties. I'm not going to go into personal stuff, mainly because I've worked really hard to put some of that behind me. And I am totally not blaiming my family - I'm blaming myself for the way I dealt with it. I ate.
Then I got married. And ate. And bought a house. And ate. And had another baby. And ate some more. Then we built a new house. And I ate and ate and ate. Then I saw a picture of myself at a party. A party where I thought I was looking particularily hot when I left the house. Yeah, not so much. Anyways, I have dealt with all this. Seriously. I've even talked to someone about it professionally. So why is it all coming back up now?
I guess, like bad pennies and Cher, it just does. But, what with the fear? What's holding me back? Am I afraid of going back to a place where all this started? Am I afraid that being in my old body will bring back all those old emotions? Or is it even more random than that? I have never in all my adult life (which started when I became a mother) been an average weight. My husband started dating me when I was waaaaaay thinner. He has loved me at my smallest and at my largest and at every size in between. Surely I'm not afraid that he won't love me if I lose the weight. I know he will. In my head, anyways.
No, I can't seem to put my finger on it. But something is keeping me from losing the four pounds just as surely as something caused me to put on all those others. Hopefully I can power through and lose them anyways. Maybe when I do, it'll be a little clearer. Maybe not. Maybe I've just hit a snag and am being too introspective. Whatever the reason, it's four pounds too many and it's time they hit the bricks. Oprah, are you listening, I give myself the permission to let go of those four pounds and finally live my life below 200.

"Is this Russia? . . . This isn't Russia."

2010-01-07T17:08:00.001-05:00

Let me start off by saying that it is snowing here in the hills and my kids are going on their fourth snow day after going back for one - that's right, one - day of school after winter break. It's snowing and I'm stuck in the house with two adorably sweet but bored and cranky kids. My husband is, of course, out of town.
As if all that weren't enough the cold is making me crave . . .dun dun dun . . . CARBS. Now, I'm not one of those crazy Adkins crazies who swear of all semblance of carbohydrates in favor of animal by-products. But I do try to take a sensible path of carb limitations. I enjoy whole grain breads and whole wheat pasta and I like fruit and sweet potatoes way to much to go cold-turkey. But, sadly, what I'm craving is Aunt Jemima's buttermilk pancakes and/or mashed potatoes. Maybe even a big hunl of pound cake. As if I didn't do enough carby damage over the holidays.
Now here comes the snow and I'm contemplating building a fire in the fireplace. Which of course leads to. . . hot cocoa. I guess it wouldn't be so bad had I actually chopped the wood and hauled it up the hill from the woodpile. But I think we all know that didn't happen.
My question is this. Why does the cold weather lead to natural carb cravings. Is it a comfort food thing that makes us think of when we were kids and would stare eagerly at the (considerable smaller that today's) TV just waiting for the "No school today in___" to flash across the screen. Or is it deeper than that? Are we all just cavemen at heart. Fattening up for the long winter ahead? Is this why all the Russian steriotypes focus on Borsht and Vodka? Surely no body freezes to death in Russia nowadays. Boredom, maybe. But hypothermia? OK, OK, I know I'm being culterally insensitve, but carbs are about to get me and I have to blame someone. And who can we as Americans blame if not the Russians?
I have firm resolve not to let it end badly. I mean, this snow is supposed to last for days. I can't hole up and hibernate - much as I may want to. So, I'm thinking, in the spirit of the end of the Berlin Wall, a compromise is in order. Perhaps a cup of hot cocoa in front of the fire would not be so terrible if I log a few extra miles on the treddy. Plus I have my Wii fit which I love, and my Walk Away the Pounds, and most exciting my new Valerie Bertinelli DVD which came by UPS today. (more on that - the DVD, not UPS - later) I'm having somewhat of a girl crush going on with Valerie right now. Alright, so I'm firing up the DVD player right now. Hot cocoa, here I come. Pancakes, perhaps another day. Like after a marathon or something.

2009 Year In Review

2010-01-04T21:28:00.000-05:00

There it goes. Another year in the books. And turns out my grannie really was right. I really shouldn't have been in such a hurry to grow up, time does indeed go faster. I thought that since this was my first whole year in my weight loss ~~hell~~ journey, it might be beneficial to go over my progress. Kind of a performance review, if you will. I don't really have one of those nine-to-fives so I'm not real up to date on the proper procedure for such a thing. But here goes.
On the up-side I've lost 30+ pounds in 2009. Not exactly setting the world on fire, I know, but still respectable and definately more than I've ever been able to lose before. And more importantly I've managed to more or less keep it off.
I'm proud of the fact that I have lost this weight with good old fashioned diet and exercise. And when I say diet, I don't mean any kind of gimmick. For me it has been more of a change in eating habits all together. It took a while but I seem to have finally found a way to eat in a healthy way that allows me to still eat my favorite foods (within reason) and lose weight. My exercise hasn't been to shabby either. I work out at Curves at least 3 times a week. (I have recently settled on a Mon., Tue., Thur., Fri. schedule). I like the workout Curves gives me because it combines strength training with cardio in an efficiant 30 min. workout that is designed just for women. I also try to get in 30 extra minutes of cardio every day. Some days I'm more successful than others, but I'm trying. I also love DVDs. My favorite is Leslie Sansone's Walk Away the Pounds. I have used this DVD on many a snow day when I couldn't get to the gym.
Something else I'm extremely proud of the fact that -due to said workouts- my arms kind of rock. Yes there's still a little jiggle in the hated bingo-wing area, but there is FINALLY definition. Did you here me, world? I am way over half-way there to sexy arms. Do you have your tickets to the gun show?
And another unexpected, but just as delightful benefit has been that due to my improved eating habits (read: more fruits and vegis, less sugar and fat and white flour. plus a good multi and fish oil caplets) my skin has never been clearer. I mean, I know that we are what we eat and all that, but had I known how dramatically my new lifestyle would effect my appearance, and not just my waist line, I would have gone with it MUCH sooner. Yes, I really am that vain. I mean, I am the girl that never smoked, not so much out of health concerns, but because it causes premature wrinkling and stinky hair. Seriously.
And now for the bad stuff. Yes, I know. But even I couldn't toot my own horn for very long.
The worst is that there have been plenty of times this past year when I could have done better. Not vacations or holidays or anything like that, just everyday old slacking off times that I totally could have done better. Yes, I know setbacks happen and when there is a perfectly good reason for a setback I can accept it a little better. But what I'm talking about is times when I just simply did not do my best. And that pisses me off. It is, as my dad would say, NOT ACCEPTABLE!
And speaking of setbacks, there have been a few.
Summer vaction didn't exactly get me down, but a 3,200 mile, 44 total driving hours, road trip to the great NorthWoods didn't exactly do me any good. For the first thing, I was away from home for 2 1/2 weeks. Away from the gym. Eating out. On the road. Get it? But on the other hand, I managed to squeeze in a decent amount of physical exercise like hiking, walking, and canoeing.
Also this was the year that my husband "Rocked the Stadium of my Heart." (lame, I know, but too cheesy to pass up) We went to the Kentucky State Fair (read: corn dogs and beer) to see Heart and Journey. Awesome show and not too bad as far as food consumption went. I mean, we were at the actual fair for less than 4 hours. Then there was my 30th birthday trip to Oklahoma to see The Black Eyed Peas and U2. That's right, baby, U2!!! Yes the show was AMAZING!!! Thank you, thank you to my wonderful husband for the best birthday gift ever. My ass, however wasn't quite so thankful for the Oklahoma beef steaks and ribs and, well, you get the idea. Not to mention the little French pattisserie located next to our hotel. I know, right, authentic French pastries in Oklahoma City! I was surprised too.
Then there was the holidays. Cue the ominous theater music here. Technically it wasn't the actuall holidays that did me in. I cruised through Thanksgiving (my favorite holiday) and even amanaged to lose a couple of pounds that week. Then there was Christmas. Cookies and fudge and parties and girls night and family get togethers with three different families and ham and biscuits and bread pudding and egg nog. And through all of that I didn't gain a single pound. True, I definately didn't lose any either, but I didn't gain any. Not one. Shew, what a sigh of relief. Whoa there, not so fast, girl! It happened during the week between Christmas and New Years. I gained 4 lbs. What the hell? Did PMS come early this week, I wondered? Not so much. Nothing more complicated than me letting my guard down. The left-overs got me. Did I mention how much that pisses me off.
So now it's a week later and I've almost lost the holiday weight. Only one more pound to go. The snow is piling up outside right now, but none of it can get me down. If I'm stuck at home, I'll just break out my DVDs and, Oh yeah, Wii Fit. Love that stuff.
I guess I haven't done all that I could have done in the past year, but I think that I have lost a realistic amount of weight living a realistic lifestyle. I mean, sure if I wanted to go all Biggest Loser and eat 1600 calories a day while burning off 6000, then yeah I could totally have lost more weight. I'm confident thought that the weight I have lost will stay off. I know this because of my daily weigh in. Yeah I know what they say. It'll drive you crazy. But I have found it very helpful. I have been able to monitor what works and doesn't work from day to day and I'm able to quickly shave off any extra LBs before it gets out of control. I would like to eventually get to a point when I reach my goal weight where I can weigh myself once a week, but for now I'm OK with being a little OCD.
So, 2009, goodbye. You've been a good one. We had our ups and downs but all in all I can't say too much bad about ya'. And, 2010, how you doin'?

New Years Gifts

2009-12-31T20:13:00.000-05:00

So it's that time of the year again. That magical time when all of us full-figured gals of the world unite in our self-loathing and think (vainly) that maybe this year, this time I'll actually stick with it. I'll actually lose the weight. Well, you wanna know something? It almost never works. And you wanna know why? Because we set our selves up to fail. We create these totally un-reachable goals. Like, I'm going to lose 50lbs this year. Or, I'm going to work out everyday. Or, my favorite, I'm going to eat better this year. What does that even mean?
Now, I'm not saying these goals are impossible. Not at all. It's just that they are unlikely. I knew all this. And yet I still made New Years Resolutions every freakin' year. Why? I don't know. Why do all the other little lemmings follow that one little suicidal lemming off the cliff? No one knows, they just do.
Until now.
I read a totally awesome post from one of favorite bloggers, Cranky Fitness - a weight loss blog if ever there was one, that seemed to make a lot of sense. The post said that it really all a matter of semantics. Seriously!
Instead of makinf resolutions we should all be giving gifts to ourselves. Well, I'm liking it already. You know I love a gift. Can we register somewhere.
Well, turns out it doesn't work that way. See instead of making these crazy resolutions that are usually given up on by at least Valentines Day, we are going to start making gifts to ourselves for weight loss or health or organization or any old thing. It actually makes a lot of sense. And I have used this tactic in my own life with out even knowing it. Like when I tell myself that by having yougurt for breakfast instead of that doughnut I am going to have more energy and no headaches for the day.
So this year I have a few New Years gifts to myself.
#1 I will give myself the gift of more exersise time and I will do it in unconventional ways. Such as dance-offs with the kids and snoe-shoeing at the lake house.
#2 I will give myself the gift of more vegetables by trying one new vegi a week. I am a notorious vegi-hater and try to get in my servings by huge salads every day, but come on. Even rabbits get sick of lettuce after a while. So I am going to try some of those weirdo vegis at the Whole Foods produce section. Maybe I'll find a few new favorites.
#3 I'm going to devote more time to my blog and give myself the gift of more promotion. When I first started it was purely for my own entertainement, but now I'm thinking I'm gonna go outside the box, so to speak.
#4 I'm going to give myself the gift of (and this is the one I'm most excited about) a cleaning lady. I am a bad housekeeper, not just don't like it bad, but really really bad. I used to be ashamed, but not anymore. I figure those who can't cook eat out. So I am not going to sweat it anymore. It will give me more time for my kids and cooking healthy meals.
#5 I'm going to give myself the gift of more time with my kids. Yes, I'm a stay-at-home mom, but with my husband working away I often have to be two people at once. So with everything else I have going on (see #4) I often don't have time for a lot of the extras that my kids want to do. So thanks to the new cleaning lady I see a lot more park time and Wii Winter Olympics in my future. Bring it on!
So there it is. Hopefuly this time next year I will not be so worried aboout my weight and I will be able to say that my New Years gift giving was a success. Happy New Years and remember to gift the most important person in your life. You!

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

2009-12-29T11:18:00.000-05:00

The Good
Cleaning out my closet recently I found a bunch of pants that I can now fit into. Yeah me! Plus I found several other pairs that if all goes well then I should be able to wear this spring. Just in time for their capri-cuteness to be wearable.
The Bad
I manned up to the scales yesterday. Yikes! I gained a bit (3lbs) over the holidays. I'm pretty sure it had to do with the gluttonous amounts of country (read: super duper salty) ham that I consumed. Well, that and the sweets that I tried not to over-do, but come on! I've drunk about 5 gallons of water over the past few days and detoxed with fruits, vegis, and fiber and I think things are getting back to normal. A few days of overindulgence resulting in a week or more of repairing the damage. Totally worth it.
The Ugly
The weather forcast calls for snow for the whole next week. No school + Husband out of town for work = no gym time for mama. Guess I'll have to dust of the workout DVDs and try to do them with two kids frolicking ( read: cabin fever has set in) in the background.

The Honey Line

2009-12-28T18:10:00.001-05:00

I have just found The Honey Line. To be fair, I have known about it since I saw it talked about on the Rachel Ray Show last year, but I didn't know they had a website until recently and due to a problem w/ my computer (isn't it always something?) I couldn't actually register as a user until today. So as of today I am an official Bee.
What is the Honey Line, you ask? Well it was begun as a project of pro-vollyball player Gabby Reece. You know, she of the mile high legs and yards of hair. She is one of the few strikingly beautiful women who manages to seem like your best friend and mentor all at once. She told Rachel about how she had this network of girl-friends who helped her stay connected and she called on certain friends to help with certain problems and her friends called on her to help w/ their own. They all encouraged each other and everyone just tried to be generally supportive. She called this her Honey Line. What a great idea, I thought.
I have a group of friends (there is about 8 of us) that have been friends for varying amounts of forever. We have been with each other through college, and first boyfriends, and weddings and husbands, and first jobs, first housess, and first babies (and second), and have been there for each other during family deaths and other difficulties. We are better than sisters because we chose each other. We used to get together every week for supper and TV viewing. Now that we're all married and starting families it is more like once a month, but we all try to stay connected through phone, email, and social netwroking sites. Now Gabby has prvided a place just for this purpose. Only expanded.
And best of all, Gabby - as the Queen Bee - provides help to the rest of us in her area of expertise. Health and Fitness. Yay, Gabby! And she provides a space for the rest of us to provide help in our own areas of knowledge.
In the end everyone is connected. Kind of like a . . .hmm . . . hive? You betcha!
My favorite parts of the site so far is the buzz - a place where all the bees interact and can get questions and answers and leave comments for other bees, and the recipe section. They have some great recipes for healthy versions of my favorite food and some interesting sounding new ones that I will definately be trying in the weeks ahead. There is an excellent fitness section, but I haven't quite braved that yet. I have a feeling that Gabby is definately more ambitious than I am. But we will see.
All in all The Honey Line is a great site to check out. At most, you join and find a whole bunch of new connections to bees all over the country. And at worst you come away with a few valuable recipes and/or fitness tips. Give it a BUZZ!

Reebok EasyTone Review

2009-12-28T11:13:00.002-05:00

Yes, I broke down and fell for the hype. I was totally mesmerized by the girl in the commercial in her workout panties, I mean shorts, and glistening legs. And I will say it is a very sexy shoe. As far as looks go, in the fitness shoe department the Reebok EasyTone totally kicks the Sketchers ShapeUps ass. I liked that they looked like real shoes as opposed to the weird moon boot look of the Sketchers. Plus when my grandfather was recently in the hospital I noticed a lot of the nurses wearing them so I figured there must be something to them.
So I bought them. I went for the Go Outside varitey as opposed to the ReInspire because, even though they were about $10 more (at around $109 on amazon), like I said before - I like a sexy shoe. They are silver w/ hot pink accents. They are what I immagine Judy Jetson would wear to aerobics class. If her skinny cartoon ass had to go to aerobics.
But enough of what they look like. Do they really perform? The first day I was skeptical. I wore them to the gym followed by a trip to the hospital where I had to park like a mile away and then walk a long way once I actually got in the hospital (it's a really big hospital). I didn't really notice much of a difference. Until I woke up the next day. Holy Crap! The back of my calves were screaming and my butt didn't feel that great either. Not too sore to move, but close. It was like I had done an incredibly hard and new workout even though I had done exactly the same thing as I've done for months.
I have since worn the shoes for about a month. I even wore them for my pre-Christmas two-a-day workouts without any foot pain- which for me is huge. I also wore them for the week-long cleaning spree I did on my 3-story house before my family descended upon me. I have lost about an inch from my thighs which is more than double what I normally lose in a six-week period. (my gym likes me to get weighed and measured once a month, but I don't always make it.)
The only caveat I have with the shoes is that they tend to run a bit small and narrow. I normally wear a 9 1/2 in Nike, but I had to order a 10 in these. Also the balance balls on the bottom of the shoe are rather hard rubber and tend to make a definate sound on hard floors, unlike regular cross trainers which I have in the past employed as ninja devices to sneak up on my kids. Not so with these babies. But oh well.
All in all I give these shoes and A. I can't quite give it an A+ for a couple of reasons. #1 The price. At around $100, they are a bit pricey, especially if you workout a lot and have to replace your shoes often. #2 The small fit. I know every body's foot is different and we all have our issues. But I REALLY didn't want to wear a 10. And lastly, #3, I just don't give out A+s that easily. The shoe would basically have to workout for me before I could give it my highest marks. For all that that matters.

Need Holiday Detox

2009-12-27T21:08:00.000-05:00

OK, so I technically knew all the things I was not supposed to do over the holidays. And for the most part I didn't do them. I did not eat/sample everything I baked or cooked. Much. And I tried to include some healthy options in my holiday feasting. Most of the time. I did!

But, it was still the Holidays. That time dreaded by every dieter since the history of, well. . . , dieting. I'm guessing that back in the day when everyone worked from sun-up to sun-down and every morsell of food was made from scratch gaining a bit of weight around the holidays was not that big of a deal. I'm also guessing that a bit of padding was not even neccessarily bad when you had to make that early morning frosty run to the outhouse. But I live in the land of Right Now. In Right Now things have to be done yesterday and because of this weird female frienemy competition I indulge in things must be done beyond perfection. So here I am working my chubby little fingers to the bone preparing things like bourbon balls and bourbon cake and bread pudding w/ hard sauce (are you sensing a theme here?) and ham and biscuits and hash brown casserol and, oh yeah, a stunningly beautiful vegetable tray. And I did all of this THREE TIMES. That's right. I'm insane.
Have you ever seen that movie "Four Christmases" with Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn? Well, my parents are divorced and while my husband's parents are still married they are from 'Up North'. Which creates difficulties every holiday season in that they are poor planners and no one knows what is going on until the last possible minute. Trust me when I say that three more dissimilar families could not be found in a National Lampoon movie. My thinking that having everyone to our house instead of having to lug the kids all over "Hell and half of Georgia" was not as inspired as I thought.
Now I am puffy and bloated and too scared to get on my bathroom scale. I'm thinking I couldn't have actually gained all that much, if any, because I put my regular jeans on (which, if you recall, I was very excited to actually fit into a few months ago) this morning and they fit just fine. But I just feel blah and sluggish, if you know what I mean. I've had a sugar headache for the past two days, or maybe it's the parental pressure (mine and his), or maybe it's just the damn bourbon.

Whatever the deal is or has been, it ends tonight. I have one piece of sauce soaked bread pudding which I intend to thouroghly enjoy in my big fluffy bed after my nice hot bubble bath. This will be my official I Survived Another Holiday celebration. Tomorrow it's back to the gym and a three day kick in the ass eating plan to get me back on track.

My goal for 2010? To make it the last year that I worry about my weight.

It's Beginning to Look a lot Like Sweatpants. . .

2009-12-10T09:42:00.000-05:00

Ahhh, the holidays! The wide-eyed sugar plum bliss of every child. Remember when you used to count down the days until Winter Break with big red Xs over the days on your calender? Oh, the joy of waking up on Christmas morning to find that Santa had brought just what you asked for and wrapped it so neatly, too. And all your family came over and there was delicious food and delightful sweets practically flowing like water out of every corner of your house.
Well, yeah, of course we all remember it that way. We were kids. But I bet our mothers don't exactly remember it that way. In fact, now, that I'm a mother I'm amazed that we ever made it through any holiday much less the Queen Mother of all Holidays. That family fueled, cookie fed holiday known in my family as "Oh, crap! It's Christmas!"
Not being a particularly religious family we have always taken a pretty secular view of Christmas and that was certainly stressful enough. I always envied the Christian kids who would say things like, "It's not about the commercialism." and, "Jesus is the reason for the season." To me it just seemed like an easy way of saying, "my mom was too lazy to put up a tree this year." Now, don't get me wrong, I would never make fun of anyone for their beliefs, but not put up a tree? Come on.
In my family Christmas has turned into this crazy unspoken competition (for lack of a better word) where every one (women at least) try to outdo the other women in the family for who can produce the most Rockwellian Christmas.
My one grandmother whose birthday happened to be on Christmas was the cookie master. I have tried for years to master her "simple" butter cookie to no avail. My other grandmother is the decorating diva. She puts up a tree that while small can easily rival any florist's for it glittery coordination of color and theme. My mom, well, mom kind of dropped the ball on the holidays. She loves the flash and the glitter and her house always reminds me of Vegas at Christmas. But me, I feel the mantle of Christmas Greatness heavily upon my shoulders.
I have in my house no less than 5 trees, all themed and decorated with a precision of a military maneuver. My fireplace mantle and banister all drip with greenery and my front door is festooned and welcoming. I always make sure to have sweet treats ready for all our drop-by visitors and in years past I have convinced myself that calories consumed while tasting are not really calories at all.
This year, I know better. More's the pity, because this year is the year of my personal epiphany. I have discovered that all this self induced stress of the holidays has caused me to lose sight of my weight loss goals. Luckily I have caught myself before the lbs. started to creep back up, but still. All that means is that I will still be busy wrapping the perfect present and baking the perfect cookie all while trying to satisfy my stress-induced sweet tooth with a fat free mocha latte.
Whatever, it will all be worth it when my house looks awesome and my cousins all run out to try and out-do my decorations next year. But what they don't know is that next year, I won't care. I will be smokin' hot in Belize. Feliz Navidad!

I'm not OK, if you're not OK

2009-12-01T09:00:00.000-05:00

What the hell is up with us as women being so competitive? No I'm not talking about who has the bigger . . .um . . .bag, or even the oft' debated Mommy Wars. I'm talking about the unspoken, but universally understood competition between all women as to who is worse off.
No one pulls us aside in Middle School as gives us that talk. "You know, Suzy, you really shouldn't be too proud of your body and you should take any opportunity to put yourself down especially when you are around other girls." Now, of course, no one says those things to girls, but we all understand them nonetheless. If your friend hated her nose, then another friend hated her flat chest, and of course you hated your ass.
Obviously everyone has something about their body that they are less than pleased with- I mean, we are women after all. But what up with the one-upmanship?
Typical conversation:
"Oh, my God! I hate my ____!"
"Please! I would trade your _____ for my _____."
"Your _____ is fine. Look at my _____. It is huge!"
Sound familiar? Sound like middle school? Of course it does. But guess what? This conversation took place just a few weeks ago at a girlfriend's house. There are a group of about 8-10 of us (at any given time) that have been friends for a long time and have a standing 'girls night' where we all try to catch up and revert back to high school. This year the majority of us turn 30, which has apparently triggered some sort of Valley Girl Ass Envy.
It reminded me of that Sex and the City episode where the women are all setting around eating pizza and discussing plastic surgery. Carrie, of course, hates her nose. Charlotte hates her thighs, and Miranda hates her arm jiggle, or some such shit. Then they all look expectantly at Samantha. Clearly she is supposed to inject her "I hate my ____." s here. But she just looks at them with a "WHAT?!" expression on her face. They are all surprised to learn that Samantha considers herself just fine just the way she is. In fact she deems herself- Pretty Damn Terrific! Samantha is, in fact, surprised to learn that her clearly beautiful friends are not satisfied with their bodies.
So there I was in my friend's living room, wishing I could be Samantha, while listening to every one lament this, that, or the other. Then it inevitably comes to be my turn. Normally I wouldn't hesitate. "God, I hate my belly!" and I do. But not tonight. While I do still wish my belly was less jello and more J-Lo, for the first time in a long time I am proud of my body.
Did you hear that, world? I am proud of my body.
No, it's not perfect. Far from it. But I have recognized that it will never be perfect. Even those Supermarket shelf Super Models do not have perfect bodies. Airbrush, anyone?
No, what has changed is my attitude about it. No, I do not have the tall lean body of Gabby Reece, but no amount of diet and exercise, or even plastic surgery, will give it to me. So why try?
No, I'm not giving up on weight loss. Just the opposite. I cannot give myself a perfect body. But I can give myself the perfect body for me. I have worked hard this year and I am stronger and leaner than I have been in a while and that is something I am very proud of. I have lost almost 40 lbs., I have more energy and better posture, and due to some serious weights my arms are now well-defined.
So the point of this little rambling is this: Maybe being perfect will not make you as happy as you imagine it will. But accepting what you have while working to make it better will definitely make you happier. The proof? Yes, I have belly jiggle but I do have a mighty fine ass!

Back With a Book Review

2009-11-17T09:38:00.001-05:00

I just read this book - Hungry by Crystal Renn - and I give it a B+. It was a really good read and the only reason I didn't give it an A is because while Miss Renn is clearly educated this is not a book I would read just for shear enjoyment.
Hungry is the story of Crystal Renn the worlds most successful plus size model, though plus size is certainly a relative term. Miss Renn is a size 12. If you have opened a magazine lately or shopped for plus size clothing you have seen her. She is the girl in the American Cancer Society add shot form the back, beautifully draped in a red silk, showing off her womanly curves. She is also the unofficial face of Lane Bryant. The beautiful dark haired dark eyes one who looks like she's about 7 feet tall.
In truth Miss Renn is 5'11" and in her book she describes how at the age of 14/15 she starved her body in order to reach 95lbs and a size 00 on that 5'11" frame. 95lbs! Size 00! 5'11"! No wonder she was hungry. The author describes her spiral into deliberate anorexia as both shameful and paradoxically empowering. She would be proud of herself for only having an apple and a piece of gum on certain days. During her "straight size" modeling days Miss Renn subsisted on little more than Diet Coke and would work out for 6 hours a day splitting her time between two gyms so the staff would not know how dangerous her lifestyle had become.
The modeling industry, of course, did not care; saying to Miss Renn when she reached over 100 lbs once that her thighs were too fat. Too fat??? Are you kidding me? I'm surprised she could even walk around on those little twigs, much less workout for 6 hours a day. I got your thighs right here.
The ironic thing was that even after all that hard work and clearly unhealthy lifestyle Miss Renn's modeling career never really took off. Finally at age 18 she had had enough. She signed with the plus friendly Ford Modeling Agency and began to eat, even getting up to a size 16 before settling on a healthy 12.
Miss Renn is very clear on the fact that every woman has a healthy weight range and that it may be different for every woman. She is also aware that she is a fashion model and not a doctor or nutritionist. She does however offer observations on her own life and those of other models in her acquaintance. She states, for example, that she has a certain straight size model friend, who is naturally thin (a size 2, I think) and that while this woman certainly eats healthy and doesn't indulge in a lot of sweets or alcohol, she doesn't necessarily "diet". the question raised is, "Why can't all different kinds of women be considered beautiful?" Who decided that tall and thin was the standard of beauty? Are we really saying that heroin-chic Kate Moss is more beautiful than the woman next door? I'm not one of these "real women have curves" girls, because the fact is, not all women do and does that make them less of a woman? My mother is a petite size 4 with "barely A" boobs (I think I was adopted) and she is no less a beautiful woman than my plus size, super stylish, friend Mary. Or myself for that matter with my G boobs.
Miss Renn's book tells of her struggle to find her own personal healthy weight and how once she did she finally became successful in her career. Of course we are not all super-models. But we are all struggling to find our own ideal weight.
It just so happens that size 12 is my personal goal right now. Of course I'm a little south of 5'11", but heck no body's asked me to strip it all off and pose for a breast cancer ad either. Well, at least not yet.

Adventures in Air Travel

2009-10-22T10:04:00.000-04:00

It must be a prerequisite to be an employee of the TSA that you have to speak fluent dick. I mean, I get it. You have a job where you are in charge of overseeing something that 99.99% of people absolutely despise. Airport Security. Just the thought of it made you cringe a little, right? But I can just about guarantee that none of you have a worse airport security story than me, which we will get to in just a moment.
But first, back to Airport security being dicks. I don't get it. I mean, I just don't get it. Surely it wouldn't kill you to smile. I would think that it would make their job a little more pleasant, not to mention a better security experience for the passengers which would undoubtedly lead to less delays.
I went to Disney World one time, a place that bills itself as "The Happiest Place on Earth", and when I went to get one of those famous mouse-shaped ice-cream thingies for my daughter the little pimply guy behind the cart was kind of, well - a dick. So I thought that if I could find a pissy employee at the happiest place on Earth, then shouldn't it stand to reason that conversely I should be able to find a pleasant Airport Security person.
I'm still looking.
So here's what happened. My parents own a lake house in Northern Wisconsin and a couple of years ago my brother and I were flying up there to join them to celebrate my dad's birthday. So over the course of many years we have made friends with many of the locals and my mom who is a sales representative for the Sara Lee Corporation in the Hillshire Farms/Kahns division likes to bring them little gifts from time to time. So she and my dad, who were already in the Northwoods called to say that they had forgot their gifts and would I go to their house and get them. They would be on the kitchen counter in a brown paper bag. "Sure," I said. "I'll just stick 'em in my carry-on" Big mistake!
I place the bag in my carry on, drive the three hours to get my brother, and proceed to the airport where by this time I had completely forgotten about said gifts. See, I can tell you think you know where this is going, but I assure you, you don't.
All is well. We check in a little early. We grab a drink at Louisville Airport's famous Woodford Bar. We buy a few magazines for the flight and head to security.
It actually doesn't look to bad. The only person in front of us is some unfortunate woman with three kids. My brother helps her with her stroller and we make brief small talk before it's our turn at the firing range - I mean, security.
I swear to you, I am suddenly convinced that the Louisville Airport's security are hired from German Nazi training camps.
"Keep the belt moving!" "Place your shoes in the box and keep the belt moving." "Place all metal in the tray." "Keep the belt moving!" And my all time favorite, "Did you pack this bag yourself?" and "Has this bag been in your possession the whole time?" As if, "Um no, actually. I had to run to the rest room so this shady looking Arab man with a large beeping package offered to watch it for me." Duh! Of course the stupid bag has been in my posses ion the whole time. I've had to drag it all over this stupid airport because we had to park in almost Indiana and hoof it for 2 miles. And as for packing my own bag . . . well, lets just think about it. I'm flying coach to Rhinelander, Wisconsin whereupon I will drive another hour and a half to get to my destination where we will partake in viewing the National Lumberjack Competition. I hardly think I have a butler packing my bag for me.
So all questions answered, it's time to got through the X-ray. My brother being the gentleman that he is, offers to go first. Remember the stroller-woman and how nice he was? Well, she wasn't his sister. His bags, of course, sail right through with no problem. Now it's my turn, and of course by this time there is a line behind me that reaches to Churchill Downs. My bags is now stopped in the X-ray machine. I immediately think that perhaps it is over sized and won't fit thought the X-ray and they are going to make my check it. If only.
The lady pulls it out and runs it through again, looking at the screen with a troubled look on her face. She calls over the other guy working with her. He too looks troubled. "Ma'am, we are going to need to search your bag."
"Uh, OK?" I say. What else can I say. And she actually pulls me over to the side and holds my shoes hostage until the bag is searched. I guess she knows I'm not going to run with my cute little Cole Haan flats on the line. She's right.
By this time, my brother is through security and is helpfully putting his shoes back on while simultaneously throwing me under the bus. "I don't know what in the heck she's got in there. It's hard to say with her." Well, thank you very much, Little Brother. Feel free to shut up now.
Meanwhile, my underwear, makeup, and tampons are out on a cold stainless steel table for god and everyone to see. "Here it is," the woman says triumphantly, holding the object in question over her head for her co-worker to see. "It's only a sausage," she says sounding disappointed.
It is indeed. A two-foot long smoked summer sausage meant as a gift for my dad's hunting buddy. The security lady looks at me apologetically and says, "sorry, we thought it might be. . .umm . . .shampoo or something." I just look at her. Because even if it was, shampoo is such a threat to national security. By this time Little Brother is back by my side. "We thought it might be a liquid of some kind,"the woman says a little more confidently.
"No you didn't," my brother declares. "You know what you thought it was."
Oh. My. God. I am officially mortified. Everyone in security is by this time rolling with laughter. I swear to you a couple of them are actually having to hold each other up as I stand there holding my two-foot sausage. "Just shut up," I whisper furiously, shoving everything back into my back with as much dignity as I can manage.
Finally after many hours and three airports and a rental car later we finally make it to the lake house where we are greeted by our parents who say, "Oh we forgot to call and tell you. We didn't need that package after-all."
Of course.

I actually had another couple of stories to share about my air travels but they will have to wait for anther day as I seem to have run on a bit.

The Perils of Gambling

2009-10-12T15:07:00.000-04:00

I don't know exactly what I was thinking. My luck has never been what anyone would call good, especially when it comes to predicted outcomes. So why I thought it would be a good idea to go to Keenland Racetrack last weekend to play the ponies with my best girl friends - I don't know.
Now before I go any further let me state, without a doubt, that we had a really great day. The weather not only held, but actually turned out to be pretty darn good. We all looked smokin' hot, if I do say so myself. And, more importantly, we had escaped our everyday lives, if only for a day, to celebrate the impending end to one of our good friend's bachelorette days.
The trouble started at the first race. Being a native Kentuckian, I am somewhat familiar with the horse racing industry. I know what the odds are, what exactly a furlong is, the difference between fillies and mares, and I even half-assedly follow a couple of different jockeys. And I could even tell you what it means to win, place, or show and what it means when they list super-fecta, tri-fecta, and exacta winnings. So you would think that I could look at a betting sheet and over the course of 10 races at least manage to come out even, give or take a few bucks. You would be wrong.
Every horse I picked came in dead last. Seriously. One race I picked two different horses, thinking to increase my odds. They came in last and next to last.
The first race I bet $5 on Call It The Blues to win place or show. Led the race for almost a mile then dropped to dead last like he was doing it on purpose. Race 2, I bet on Hot Little Mama because, I mean come on. The name says it all. Repeat of last race. At this point I have lost a small amount of money, but I'm not worried. It's only the third race. My luck's bound to pick up, right? So I bet on Sweet Lemon Chello. This time, she doesn't even make a showing. Starts last and ends last. All right, this is about enough. So I decide to set out race four and just reset my luck a little. I just set back, watching all my friends rake it in. WTF? But, I don't begrudge them any of it ( really, I don't) I just want a little bit of the taste of victory for myself.
So next up comes race 5. Here's where I start to employ a little strategy - so to speak. I look at the odds and carefully choose two horses who appear not to suck too much. Everybody knows that you never bet on a favorite, even if they win, the odds were so good that you almost never win any money. So I put down another $5 on an Irish horse with decent 8-1 odds, that should pay out pretty decent and $5 on a 20-1 horse that had bad odds, true, but was being ridden by a jockey with a better than average track record. This was the infamous last, next to last finish. Meanwhile, my friend (The Bride, BTW) bets $20 on Lucky #7 because, get this, she left her program laying open on the bench while she went to the powder room and a bird came along and, shall we say -picked, it for her. She won. The odds for that particular horse were 5-2, so she didn't win whole lot, but still. I mean, really. People who find bird poop on their programs are now considered to be luckier than me?
At this point I did what any sane Kentuckian would do. I started drinking. Piss on them ponies. If I'm going to throw my money away, I ought to at least enjoy it, right? So I proceed to the Equestrian Bar, a Keenland tradition, where I proceed to consume no less than six (yes - really) Bourbon Manhattans. Say what you will about Kentucky, but the liquor sure is fine and in Lexington my drink was done up right. A whole lot of Bourbon (Woodford Reserve, for those keeping score) and very little Manhattan (sweet vermouth).
The next five races were enjoyable if unprofitable and all in all I had one of the best days out with the girls that we've managed to have in a while.
The moral of this story is this. Don't gamble unless your prepared to lose. And don't prepare to lose with out preparing to drink.

p.s. I didn't totally blow my diet. I had no lunch and I walked off my drink with a nearly mile and a half walk tot he car, followed by a 30 minute drive to the restaurant where I had grilled salmon and broccoli and vast quantities of water. Not the best day nutritionally but, hey. Life happens, you know?

Step It Up!

2009-10-08T09:38:00.000-04:00

In my ongoing quest for weight loss (and the immediate goal of being below 200 for my 30th birthday now 25 days away) I have added yet another formerly impossible, but no less insane, workout.
First I did the Leslie Sansone Walk Away the Pounds DVDs in the privacy of my own home. These were great and I still occasionally employ them on snow days or other tragedies of house arrest.
Then I bought the Wii Fit. Let me just say that that little piece of equipment is for sadists. It comes with a 'balance board' which is unfortunate for one who has no balance. And you get your own on-screen computer generated 'trainer'. I picked the male trainer because by and large I get along better with men and the female trainer looked just a little too perky in her little yoga top and jaunty pony-tail for my tastes. Yes, I know, it's a computer - but still. So I got boy, which even though that's what I often call my brother just didn't seem like a good name for this guy. Turns out boy had a pony-tail too. And yoga pants. Very new age. And to beat it all he seemed to have the patience of someone who has nothing better to do than workout all day. Bastard! I did a few workouts with boy before he finally just pissed me off to no end. Turns out boy is gay. ( a group that I generally have a blast with - like I said, women can be bitches - but this guy was a be-otch of the 1st degree) Again, I know he's a computer. I know. I just don't need that kind of pressure. I named him Chet. It seemed appropriate.
So I joined a real life gym. Curves. I figured it was women only so . . . Yes, I know what I said earlier. But the women at the gym aren't bitches - well, at least not at the gym and that's all I'm concerned about anyway. These women are there for the same reason I am and that kind of makes us sisters (in a we are the world kind of way). And it has been my salvation. I try to go three times a week. Often more, but sometimes less. I have slowly lost weight, but m ore importantly I have gotten stronger and have more energy than I ever had before. I love it.
The only problem is that now it's coming. You know 'IT'. NO not the Stephen King book (now that guy is messed up, maybe he needs a few sessions with Chet on the balance board) IT = the big 3-0. Actually I'm kind of looking forward to it. I look and feel better than I have in years. I think it's gonna be huge. People are going to see me at 30 and want to be 30 themselves. They say 30 is the new 20. Well, lets make it 21. I want to toast to it after all. The problem comes in the fact that I set a goal for myself last year that I wanted to be below 200 pound by 30. Yes, that's still a long way to go to my final goal. But still, it's important to me and I want to make it happen. It's just that I'm stalled out at 210 and I only have 25 days left. 25 days, people!
So a few weeks ago I decided it was time to pick up the pace a little. Kind of kick start my metabolism. I am already on the Weight Management Program at Curves, which is really awesome. (I'm still on Phase 2 btw. My trainer says I need to move up to Phase 3 to amp up my mojo, but more on that later) Then I started going to their Pump It Up class which is sort of a high intensity cardio aerobic strength training thing with hip-hop music. I was going once a week and it was awesome. I looked forward to the rush I would get after a class for the whole week. And I think I'm maybe going to start going twice a week, in addition to my regular workouts, just until I hit that 200. It will be hard. But I figure those people on The Biggest Loser workout for 8 hours a day and I am already at some of their goal weights. So working out at a regular pace 3= times a week in addition to 2 high intensity classes should be just fine - if life sucking.
However, back to my original point - finally. This morning's Pump It Up class was different. Previously we had done all these semi-dance moves that kind of made me feel like a really over the hill stripper but gave me a really good workout nonetheless. This morning she changed it to Step It Up. Yes, a step class. Me. The girl who could fall down standing still. Paradoxically I used to be a dancer and can have amazing balance if I focus. The problem is the focus. I seem to have lost that somewhere along the way. It was a lot of step-one-two-three and switch-one-two-three and all that. Plus you change activities every thirty seconds. Well, hell, I would just get one thing down when it was time to switch again. But I stumbled my way through it, with only one stubbed toe and no falls, which is a huge victory for me. Whenever I fall - and I do a lot- it's not just in the privacy of my own home. It's right in the middle of the biggest crowd I could possibly fine so a step aerobics class would be just about right. I didn't though. Knock on wood.
I actually made it through and believe it or not, I'm looking forward to going back next week. That is amazing to me. Just one short year ago I would have been mortified at trying a step class DVD, much less doing it with a group of real live people. Sorry, Chet. But here I am, knock, knock, knockin' on 30's door, and not just doing the seemingly personally impossible but actually looking forward to doing it again.

Save the Boobs!

2009-10-07T09:16:00.000-04:00

You know 'em, you love 'em, you probably even have a couple of favorites hanging out under your sweater right now; but are you doing all you can to take care of them? As anyone with eyes and/or ears knows October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Yes, of course you know this. Everyone knows this. The problem is - not enough people act on it.
Why is this on a weight loss blog, you may ask. Well, I'll tell you. Being overweight puts you at increased risk for many types of cancer but most particularly breast cancer. Why? It's the estrogen, silly. See, like everything else it comes in contact with, estrogen complicates things in breast cancer and overweight women. You see, estrogen is stored in fat cells. Handy, right?
So, I've intentionally kept it brief here. I hope you'll use your extra time to schedule a mammogram if you're 40+. Or even if you're not, at least make time to get felt up. Hey it could be fun. But more importantly it could save your boobs and your life.

Phase Two and Other Life Altering Realizations

2009-09-25T09:08:00.001-04:00

This week, I'm on Phase Two of the Curves Weight Management Plan. This consists of (like Phase One) at least three days in the gym, plus an aerobic workout every day. Also instead of starving on 1200 calories a day, I can feast on a relatively bountiful 1500. Whoo Hoo. Who would have thought that 1500 calories a day would sound like such a cornucopia?
Of course, it's only 300 extra calories a day, but hell. I've been able to add in a few whole grains and even the occasional small baked sweet potato - luxury of luxuries! I love them suckers with a bit of spray butter and cinnamon. Mmmm!
Perversely though, my daily workouts have become a bit harder. Not a lot, but when you track your progress on a daily basis - it shows up. I don't know if this is just a natural week two progression or just some freak that will work itself out next week.
Whatever, I've felt better and had more energy this week than I'd had in a while. I've even gotten more done around the house. Almost like I had been neglecting not just my body, but every aspect of my life as well. Even my daughter commented that I seemed like I was in such a good mood this week. Funny thing is, I hadn't noticed until she said something.
Bless that child. Her and her brother are - if not my whole life - at least the most important part of my life. And I thank them because if not for them, I maybe wouldn't have the motivation to get healthier. I want to be here for them. And not just physically. I know this is incredibly shallow but I don't want to embarrass them. I don't want my kids to have "the FAT mom".
One of these days when my daughter is a doctor and my son is an NFL O-Lineman, I want them to be able to say that their mom inspired them to take care of their bodies and stay healthy. What a compliment that would be.
Besides when I get my own Campbell's Chunky Soup commercial - I want to look good!

My Aha Moment

2009-09-22T12:52:00.000-04:00

The other day I had an epiphany of sorts. I'm a little ashamed to say that I have been working towards losing weight (seriously this time) for almost a year and I just now had my aha moment.
I was sitting around wondering why in the world that it took my almost 10 years of being overweight to actually do something about it. Sure I had tried in the past, but I had always failed and I couldn't figure out why. Why could I never lose weight? When I was younger my weight was hardly ever an issue. If I was up 10 lbs, well then, I would just cut out pop and desserts and that 10 lbs would come right off. So why couldn't I do the same thing now?
It occurred to me that I had never been afraid of my weight - and here's the kicker - because I had never failed at losing weight. Suddenly I was 20 yrs. old with new baby and a new body. Somehow it had escaped my notice that after the baby was born all of that weight that I had gained while I was "eating for two" would not just magically fall away. Yes, I was 20; but while all my friends were worrying about mid-term exams and college parties and the like; I had a mom body and worse - no time to do anything about it.
So I over the course of the next few years I went on every fad diet known to man. I've listed them all before so I don't feel like I need to relive that embarrassment again. And time after time - I failed. I failed and I failed and I failed. Until finally it hit me. I cannot keep doing this to my body. I needed to get myself healthy and happy. So I just took the bull by the horns. I joined a gym, I've been watching what I'm eating and the results have been positive. So far I've lost almost 35 lbs. Yes, it's slow, but it took me 10 yrs. to gain the weight so to lose the weight for good I expected it to take a while. After all, I had tried fast, right?
But I still couldn't figure out why this time, it seemed to be working. Sure, I'm determined not to be 30 and overweight. But there had been times in the past where I had wanted to lose weight for this that and the other. Then one day, there it was, out of no where. I suddenly wasn't afraid to fail. I just simply was not. Why? I'm not sure. Maybe because I have failed so much in the past. What's one more failure, right? I mean I've been there. I've failed (many times) and nothing horrible happened. My husband didn't leave me, my kids didn't love me any less, no one died because of it, nothing.
The only difference is that now when I have small failures I don't indulge them. Previously if I had one bad day I would just throw up my hands with the whole thing. Fuck it. What's the point?
Not now. Now if I have a bad day I just say 'that's OK. It's one day. I'll just do better tomorrow" and that's what I do. I can't believe how simple that is and how much time I wasted beating myself up. I mean, I could have lost this weight years ago if I had just used my brain a little more and my mouth a little less. What was I thinking during all those 'diets'?
Well, fuck it! I'm done beating myself up today. I will just have to do better tomorrow.

These Are a Few (more) of My Favorite Things.

2009-09-18T12:20:00.000-04:00

* Benefiber Cherry Pomegranate drink mix. Tastes like cherry Kool Aid from back in the day.

* BirdsEye Steam Fresh frozen vegetables. They steam right inside their bag in my microwave and are refreshingly tasty now that my summer vegetable harvest has all but slowed to a trickle.

* My Basset Hound Tater. He hates exercise as much as I do. He will run and play in the yard, but strap a leash on him and man-o. Not a fan of the structured exercise.

* Hard boiled eggs. A dish of these in the fridge are the ultimate convenience food. An egg and a banana = the perfect in a hurry breakfast.

* Neutrogena Foaming Blackhead Removing Face Wash. I know, not technically diet related. But anyone who has exercised knows that you sweat. A lot. I have been washing my face with this product after every workout for a little over a week now and it has drastically reduced the blackheads and breakouts on my nose and forehead.

* Ultimate Fake-Out Cupcakes. 1 box Pillsbury Reduced Sugar Cake Mix (any flavor), 1 egg white, and 1 can diet soda (any flavor) Mix all and bake at 350 until done. They are (depending on flavor) a tiny bit over 100 calories per cupcake. For an extra few calories you can add a dollop of fat free Cool Whip on top. My favorite is Chocolate w/ diet Root Beer and White or Yellow with diet Sprite.

Phase 1

2009-09-16T19:22:00.000-04:00

I don't know if anybody does Curves, much less the weight management program that they offer. But, I am currently in love with it. Curves, as you probably know, is a women's only gym that works you out by a combo of circuit training and aerobic activity. I didn't know if I would like it at first because, you know, women are bitches. However, after attending for almost a year now I must say the bitches are few and far between. For the most part every one is super supportive. Even the ladies who have already achieved their goal weight are awesome. It's nice to see someone who started out where you are succeed. Or maybe I just am at a place in my life where I'm willing to accept change in myself. Wow - pretty profound, right?
Anyways, Curves offers a weight management class that literally kicks ass. It consists of three phases, all of which are totally doable. (for the record, I did this program last year and lost a butt load of weight. Don't ask me why I didn't stay on it. I don't know)
The first phase, strangely enough named Phase One, is where I'm at right now and it is by far the hardest part of the whole diet. Luckily it only lasts for one week. I figure I can pretty much put up with anything for one week. Well, except for vacations with the in-laws. And country music. And maybe if they ran out of Vitamin Water 10. Oh, and I absolutely can't stand when it's a full moon and your dog acts all crazy. OK, so maybe there's not much I could put up with for a week, but this I can.
It consists of eating 1200 calories a day. I know, not a lot. But like I said, it's only a week. The idea is that this calorie reduction jump starts your metabolism and kind of kicks it into over drive. You also have to workout at least three times a week. Usually I shoot for 4-5 plus walking most days, so 3 days a week is not a problem. Curves says that it is normal to lose 5-7 lbs. on Phase One.
However, don't get all giddy. While it is, of course, awesome to lose that amount of weight in one week - it is not sustainable. Nor is it smart. After the first week you absolutely must go off of Phase One. You cannot maintain a 1200 calorie/ day regiment with any hope of lasting success. Your body will simply go into starvation mode and will actually hold onto the weight. Of course, if you keep up 1200 cals / day for very long you will probably lose weight. However, the likelihood of that weight creeping back on - or in my case, crashing back on like a wave on the beach - is extremely high.
After Phase One week, comes logically Phase Two. There will be more on this next week. Suffice it to say that you are allowed 1500 calories a day. This is still a reduced number sufficient to weight loss, but you are also not starving yourself. A definite plus, in my opinion. Not a big fan of starving, me.
I started on Monday so I'm almost halfway through. I'm a bit hungry when I go to bed tonight, but nothing unbearable. I've not had quite enough energy, but so far it hasn't interfered with my day to day activities. I can totally see how it would, though, if you kept it up for any amount of time. And the most prevalent side effect I can say for Phase One? The Bitchys. Like I said, women, you know? Take away my carbs and look out! Not that this diet is by any way carb free - they strongly encourage whole grains - but on 1200 calories, it's a little hard to get a lot of carbs. If it's a choice of having a huge-ass salad (btw that's a technical diet term - huge-ass salad) or a bagel. Well, I'm in favor of anything that has huge ass in the title.
I have even come to love my own huge ass. Sure I want to lose weight, but I want to keep the booty. If I could just lose the tummy and the thighs, I would rock this ass all over the state. Beyonce who? I wonder if Beyonce has ever even heard of Phase One? I doubt it, but I'm sure that any woman must be in favor of a smart healthy way to lose weight and keep it off. Because believe me, I am not working this damn hard just to gain all the weight back.